soapboxdiner

The one in which I question, was it really that bad? Honestly?

It's been nearly a year since this all started and you know? I'm still all messed up over it. I know, I know. It wasn't all that, so there really isn't a point to fretting over it. It's just...

Ah hell. I hate when my idealism is confronted with reality. I want to think I live in a world where people mean what they say, and act accordingly. And so, when a person whispers in your ear, "I could love you. I'm already starting to." you believe that, you know? I mean, not all the time - not like when it's 1:45 on Saturday night and the DJ just brought up the lights. But when you've been intimate with a person on an emotional level and they say that and it is unsolicited? You believe they're saying it because it's honest.

And then they decide to end that aspect of the relationship. But we can still be cool, right SBD?

Sure we can.

We'll still be friends, right SBD?

Sure you're right. Of course. My feelings haven't changed, even if the circumstances have.

And then they just drop you. And at first you figure time will smooth it over, despite the fact you can't imagine the need for that time, because nothing traumatic or devestating happened.

And time goes by without things going back to normal and you get angry a little because you're hurt and how does a person just drop you like that, after saying things like that? How does that happen? What goes on in a person's brain for that to seem like the best course of action to take?

And after a while, it's just okay. Hi how are ya in the hallways when you catch each other off guard. Nothing remarkable. Nothing too personal but definitely not unfriendly.

And then, nearly a year after the beginning and the ending, you and that person happen to be arriving at work at the same time. And they're walking in with another friend/co-worker. And you are two steps behind them. And they keep on walking - through the door and past reception and down the hall and around the corner and through the double doors and all the way to the time clock. And never once do they turn to acknowledge your presence - even so much as swinging the door a little wider so you can catch it. And they walk slow and take up the entire width of the hall, so you can't even pass them and go about your way, unless you want to brush past. But then you just come off as rude.

So you walk through the door and past reception and down the hall and around the corner and through the double doors and all the way to the time clock two steps behind them. And with every step you hate them just a little more for saying, "Hey, I could really love you." while you wonder what could possibly have been so bad in the end for them behave in such a way now, a year later.

And I'm sure someday I'll get over it. I mean, I'm not anguishing over the loss of the relationship or anything. I guess it's more the question "why" that keeps me revolving around this. I don't think I would even want to reclaim the friendship now, after this past year. But sometimes? When I look into her eyes? And they still speak to me? I want to be there. And it is all remarkably stupid of me when obviously "there" is not where I'm meant to be.

And this, you see, is the reason why I don't do this kind of thing anymore. Obviously I'm not the sort of person who can let these things go, even when it is abundantly clear that letting go is the only rational course to take.

10:24 pm - 03.30.04
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