soapboxdiner

An acknowledgement of sorts

I suppose if I'm going to consider it as a viable decision, I need to be okay with talking about it. I need to be able to talk what I walk, or even what I'm considering walking. I have to reconcile the two and develop a comfort with the one that I sense in the other.

It is all very, very complex. Far more complex than I would have ever thought previous to this experience. But for this to be fair, for this to be right and caring and considerate not only for myself, but for every other person in my life who may not be as receptive, or even for those who are MORE receptive than me, I have to be okay with the announcement, the pronouncement, the conception and inception, with whole realms of mental and emotional and societal and familial implications this decision would or will entail.

And on a personal level, I'm okay. I'm excited. It feels really good and it feels right. It is only when I add the variables to the equation that the possibilities begin to bog me down with uncertainty.

I'm talking about entering into a relationship. With Nora. Who is a remarkably forthright woman... amazingly positive and strong and honest and caring. Who is not only the woman who has had several weeks of dialog with me regarding what we are each feeling for each other but have not tested, but also an advocate and activist for gay and lesbian rights, a woman who feels strongly about not only her orientation, but her race and her desire to have her partner share her race, of which I do not.

And we talk. What about sex? What about your family? What about being okay with saying, "This is my girlfriend", what about coming out, what about committment, what about boundaries, what about mountains of issues and topics. Weeks of discussions had, before anything else has transpired. Before the first date. Before the first kiss, before the first intimate encounter. Before anything, this analysis and over-analysis.

At the base, there is this caring and respect. And desire. Desire that has never before been directed to a woman for me. Ever. Not once. It's her. Could I perform? That is a question that has been on my mind for weeks. At first an uncomfortable yet titillating taboo, now much more. Am I attracted? Is she? And we've discussed it. Yes.

Are we just talking sex here? No. That's a (nice?) perk, but not the bulk of it. Do I want it? All of it? Yeah. I do. Am I willing to personally go through, to put her through, to put my family through the adjustment of total acceptance? Am I willing to risk the safety of heterosexuality for a relationship with her? It is the risk of ultimate relationship breakdown that scares me.

I'm teetering on some Kissing Jessica Stein "connecting with the lesbian blind date at the bar" scene, and looking ahead to some "happy together" scene, and dreading my own personal "unemployed hippy freelance writer cum straight chick in the bookstore" scene.

I suppose we are both giving this all far too much consideration at far too early a stage. Perhaps an embrace, a kiss, a comfort together is in order.

Yeah. That would probably be the step that should follow the acknowledgement of attraction. Isn't that how most relationships progess?

3:29 pm - 05.24.03
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