soapboxdiner

Ponderance

Been busy, darlings. Writing the Saga of the Macro at work, shopping and buying and creating fabulous miniature succulent gardens in homage to the Southwest on the home(ish) front. They really live at D00d's house. I was gonna take two of them home and another to work, but D00d loves them and through them has discovered the beauty of the "silver" spectrum of plant coloration, so they live at his house. He lets me visit them on the weekends though. That's very nice.

Also went out and purchased 6 sheets of tumbled marble that the fine people at Home Despot (sic me baby, sic me all night) glue onto mesh so over-zealous homeowners can slap 'em up on their kitchen walls for a backsplash. See, these fabulous sheets of tumble marble shards make PERFECT replicas of pavers in miniature gardens. AND! I don't have to go to the trouble of making my own mosiac stones. Which is really fabulous for me, because I'm just OCD enough that I'd probably want to measure them in (milli)metric and file them all into exactly the same size and shit. Then I'd probably end up throwing half of them out because they didn't match my perfectly imagined preconception of what I wanted them to look like.

Le sigh. Really, me? Do you NEED to be so batshit about these things?

Apparently I do.

In other news, D00d's informed me that he's taking S00d (Son of D00d) to the Flames of War tourament this weekend at the game store, and he'd really like to take MY handpainted miniature houses as props. Um, oh, shit. Cuz really? I totally forgot that I was painting those.

Guess what SBD is doing in the rest of her free time this week?

ANYways.

So I'm kinda a little freaking out, darlings. You see, once upon a time, when Mr. T was in the throes of "loving me", he used to do this thing where he'd come up and embrace me really tightly and fixedly and intently sear my eyeballs with his gaze -- for a REALLY uncomfortably long time. Then he'd kinda choke up a little and tell me that he loved me.

Um, thanks? I love you too? ... OK, OK. ... Thanks, honey. Thank you. ... Yeah, no, I get it. L-O-V-E, got it. OK. Thank you.

Because I didn't really LOVE love him anymore. More like I just had a passing desire to see his life go well and be satisfying and successful for him.

But I thought, "Wow. So THIS is what it's like to have someone love you. They tell you and look like they mean it. That's nice. Kinda a little bit really creepy, but nice anyways." I never had a man express himself to me with that kind of vehement emotion before. I believed that he meant what he said and appreciated the emotion he was sharing with me.

And then the relationship started falling more and more apart. And he started doing it more and more. And then it ended with violence (to me) and prison (for him). Kind of an unfortunate, unpleasant little stream of cause and effect.

And now he is gone and D00d and I are approaching our one-year anniversary. And we are blissfully happy with each other. Everything feels NORMAL with D00d. I don't second-guess myself or wonder if some fault of mine is causing whatever friction there is in the relationship. There IS no friction. We communicate and hear each other and compromise and accept each other quietly, with compassion, understanding, and appreciation. And it's all unsaid. It just IS.

But a couple of times now, D00d has wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. He's gotten a little choked up while holding me and looking deeply into my eyes. And he has said how much he "loves me and the life I have been instrumental in creating" with him -- how he feels his life is better with me in it and how thankful he is and how much he wants it to continue.

It's kinda like the fabled "You complete me" moment. And it's weird and scary now, because Mr. T tainted it. I never had a man feel that way about me before Mr. T, and I don't know if it's normal and beautiful, or a big old red flag of potentially violent, abusive dysfunction.

Mr. T is a bastard for ruining that for me, by the way.

So, I don't know. I will continue to choose to believe that D00d is sharing something beautiful with me, because everything I know about D00d tells me that he is gentle, kind, loving, and well adjusted.

But it would be really nice if I were able to enjoy those moments when D00d shares his emotional attachment with me. I wish I didn't have the emotional scars that make me feel so ... troubled -- doubt-filled -- by D00d's confessions of appreciation and love. Trouble and doubt created by a selfish, desperate man who clung too tightly to control and abuse as mechanisms to get me to stay in a miserable relationship that almost killed all the happiness I'm innately capable of generating within myself.

6:07 pm - 04.01.09
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