soapboxdiner

Transition

You know what's very odd, darlings? Lately when I talk to D00d or think about him or us, secretly inside my brain without any conscious intention, I call him Mr. T.

Do you remember Mr. T, Diaryland? He's getting out of prison in 33 days, by the way.

Le sigh. Whatever. I find it all very disturbing though, that he has been treading so close to the surface. I'm not sleeping, and yet, I am so, SO exhausted. I see his ghost, his influence, his memory in everything -- and it scares me.

Not so much that I worry for my person or any chance, awkward meeting. His parole stipulations restrict him from coming within seven miles of my city (which is a little excessive, but I have to admit that when the liason told me that, I was surprised that I was concerned enough to be very relieved by the news.)

But I guess it all sort of fits in a weird sort of way. Mr. T was IT. He was my reawakening after nearly a decade of being a single parent who didn't date. For good or bad, he was my partner and confidante.

Just not a very good one.

After the police took him away that night, that was it. The rug under my feet was yanked. While I was sooo thankful to regain my independence, there was a realization too, that I am not superwoman.

Anyway, D00d is nothing like Mr. T. But I think in certain respects, his presence in my life has started to fill some of those roles that only Mr. T has ever filled. I hadn't realized before how much I haven't released. I haven't taken title and ownership back from him, and here I am, subconsciously replacing him. And I like it. But at the same time, every experience is viewed through the lens of that relationship's function and dysfunction.

Will allowing myself to settle into a sort of comfort with D00d propogate the same failures in this relationship that doomed the last? Sometimes I see hints and foreshadowings in D00d's emotional intensity and his disappointment and his frustrations. Just as I see them in my moments of withdrawal into myself. I don't want a repeat. Not that D00d could ever be.

11:34 pm - 09.11.08
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