soapboxdiner

Fire

Here's kinda the thing. Side Salad, you and I dated for six months. And it was really good in its own way. But you were very noncommittal, didn't even tell your friends my name. How many, many times did I tell you that just getting together for time at your house (read: sex), no outings, no plans, no future, wasn't enough? Even if in small ways we opened to each other before, or during, or after. It was so tentative on your part and so nonchalant. So unspoken.

How many times did you apologize? You do it very well, you know. Listening to it makes a girl feel entirely recognized as valuable and important to you. But how many apologies does it take for you to get it right? Why didn't you realize that it meant something to you when it was there for your to embrace?

And why now are you wanting to come back into my life? After we split, and I told you enough and you called me classless, I even poured my heart out again to you. You didn't respond to me. Nothing, cold silent apathy.

I moved on, dude. And the funny thing is, I've upgraded. He wants me, he woos me. He thinks about me and what I like and what I need and what makes me smile, and he fulfills those things because he wants to -- because he likes making me happy.

Things are calm with him. The universe aligns into a natural state of balance. There is no drama. There is no emotional lability that messes with my head and distresses my sense of who I am to him or what he wants from me or from us. He says what he wants, and he follows through. I just know.

So why now do you want to open that door again and ruin this for me? You know I wanted you. Despite the chaos, despite the distress, I wanted you. You have something I value, and it opens my heart. I wanted to give that to you. And now you tell me not to close the door on you again. So why now, and why did it take this?

Why place your two-birds-in-a-bush temptation in front of me when I have one much healthier (for me) bird in my hand? It was hard enough the first time to tell you no more. I cannot allow myself to know you now. You are the fire that will burn me up.

5:40 pm - 07.10.08
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