soapboxdiner

An entry I will regret in the morning.

Lovies, today sucked so hard, I may never recover. Shot up from a dead sleep at 5 a.m. this morning, thinking I heard the phone and then worrying that someone was hurt or dying or needing me desperately and missing me, to call me at such an odd hour.

And it's nothing, you know? There is no reason and no cause, but damn, these bastard anxiety attacks keep happening, despite upping my Wellbutrin to 450 mg/d. That's three times day for those of you keeping score at home, and about 150 mg/d over the typical dosage. Damn breakthrough attacks. They hurt. Who ever heard to anxiety making you physically hurt?

I don't know. I just want a pill to make it all go away, so I don't have to go into the doc and ask her, "Can you give me more drugs?" and having to sit through her jabbering incessantly on about shit she has probably never experienced. Just exercise. Have you thought about psychiatry? Why don't you regulate your schedule to optimize structure. Shut. up. You really aren't spouting any revelations here, doc. I know this shit. I have been dealing with this crap for 15 years.

I just can't deal with it. And yet, here the fuck I am.

I suppose the up side to all this is, food makes me sick at just the thought of it. Now there is something I have wished for all my life. And look at me, always bitching and always saying there is a bright side here, see? No, there isn't. This sucks and that is all there is to that. There is no use in bitching, as it won't change a thing and it sure as hell doesn't make it better. So. That's all there is to know about that.

Busy Body Coworker told me today that she doesn't know how I do it, living alone and raising a child. She said she wouldn't be able to do it.

Why do people always say that? Am I just confused, as I have never lived any other way? Raised by my own single mom, and now doing it myself? It all makes me wonder, just how g.d. good is the other half living that I don't even have a concept of? What am I missing out on?

All I know is, sometimes - on days like today - it would be soooo nice to have someone to come home to, who just by being here could make all this better.

You think that is expecting too much, or idealizing relationships, but trust me here. No, I'm not.

6:47 pm - 03.23.04
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