soapboxdiner

Do Not Pass Go, Muthafucka

If I may, a few addenda to the preceding...

Oh pluh-leezz. I WISH I was complaining about getting too much of the tasty HOTTT sex.

Um, I'm really not getting any - like at all. None.

But how wonderful that my whining sounded just like I was getting it on, when really, I just lost my everloving mind.

Man.

There is too much to say about what's been going down (or not going down) to fit in these pages. Other than shiitttt, why in the world would somebody make the horny no-sex girl the decision maker in how far we're going to go when clearly, it's creating confusion at work, putting distance in a friendship, and causing two people to gingerly dangle on a tight rope above it all.

Not that I'm blaming her. I just had an epiphany last night - I'm really fucking selfish. I got a grip on what I feel. I miss my friend and hope/think that this will smooth out soon and we can be the really awesome tight friends I sense we could be, in another situation. I feel lust. I feel tinges of jealousy. I feel suffocated. I feel joy. I feel like a student AND a teacher. I want more. I want less. I want to be on the same page.

I focused on me, erroneously thinking she would obviously have to have a better, clearer grip on the haps. Now I really don't think she does though, other than an disinclination to follow what feels good unquestioningly. And maybe that's part of my problem. I've been focusing on trying to reassure her and to get her to follow the same Pied Piper I'm behind, reassuring her that I like where we're going. When it's clear she does not; don't fall in love with me she says. I like you and I'm attracted to you and I miss that I can't share some stuff with you that I want, because I want my friend and I don't want to hurt you... She can't separate our mutual roles either. She's just not as comfortable camoflaging it and has too much damned soul to get hers at my expense and detriment.

So yeah. I guess that makes me selfish. When someone tells you, Don't shit where ya eat, do them and yourself a favor and realize, they aren't going to get over THAT one any time soon, no matter how much you want them to. It isn't new relationship jitters, my friends. It's a big fucking strobing neon sign telling you, Do Not Pass Go, Muthafucka.

6:14 am - 08.01.03
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