soapboxdiner

So now we know... almost

As much as I want her, as much as I want to be there to see her ecstatic and fulfilled and satiated, I cannot do that and be that and make that happen without her mental preparedness for me.

As new as this is for me. As skilled or unskilled or desirous or scared as I am, I need her to be ready to say, "SBD, this is all okay. This will be okay." Because physically... mentally... emotionally, I am okay. It all just new, you know? And on top of new, there is a whole slew of hang ups I still have. Hang ups with body image, hang ups with trust, hang ups with give me a minute here, I haven't be intimate with another person in over two years and heavy petting is fine, but I need just a minute to get back in the swing of frollicking nakeness, or even stilted and lustful but guarded nakeness.

And in the face of her recent breakup.. in the face of her predisposition to believe I'm fucking around here... it's all become a nealry insurmountable quagmire of desire in the face of disbelief and doubt.

And that is no way to start a love affair.

11:52 pm - 05.25.03
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