soapboxdiner

For all the men I've loved before..

There have been lots of guys and a couple of really really good ones who I've let pass out of my life before I recognized them for what they were to me. Lots. Some I still think about upon occasion, some who've left lasting impressions pressed into who've I've become and who I wish I were and still who I'd like to be.

The good one's don't really have names anymore. Their time with me was far too brief for retention of names, but I see their faces in my mind. I see their eyes and I see their smiles. I feel their hands and I feel their lips.

I remember begging and purring to an old beat up Nova to just make it to the ridge above the city where the fountain was so whatshisname #1 and I could drink a box of wine and listen to KFOX while we talked philosophy or our version of it up on top of the world. He was an artist and drew me a picture of immigrants in a field of sunflowers colored all in umber and ochre.

There was Jimmy and his little brother Mo for who I would sneak out of my mother's house when I was 17 so we could sit on bleachers in the junior high school football field and laugh and smoke and toke and laugh and get all damp with dew in the middle of the night. Jimmy moved away and went to Alaska on a fishing boat... Mo died of a bullet wound in a gang fight before he'd earned enough credits to be considered ready for high school. Mo always did think he was too bad ass for his own good, but Jimmy had the soul of a poet and still in my dreams, he visits me.

There was that guy who said we went to high school together but I didn't remember him, even then. He came over to visit my roommate but ended up cooking me a six course meal which he followed by the best full body massage I've ever had. He told me he loved me and would put me on a pedestal if I'd give him the chance. I didn't.

Steve was in the navy... a good old boy from the south. He was the first person who I stood naked before and let just look at me in my nudity. Then he kissed me so softly I thought he was a feather on my lips. Then he put my clothes back on my body and held me all night long.

Lots of guys. Lots of really, really good guys.

If God has a retribution, it is remembering with regret the chances we are given that we walk away from for all the wrong reasons.

11:23 pm - 05.24.03
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