soapboxdiner

Don't gimme your breakfast stuff

Here's a secret you may not have previously known about me:

I don't like breakfast foods. Sure, I'm sure everyone and their mother knows that I really, really hate eggs. I don't like them fried, I don't like them boiled. I don't like them scrambled, pouched, or dredged. But the loathing of breakfast foods does not stop at the egg.

Pancakes? Um, what is that nasty "licking an iron skillet" aftertaste that follows the "100 year drought" beset upon my tongue? Gallons of water must be consumed to restore the proper moisture balance in my mouth after pancakes. It takes days. DAYS, I TELL YOU! And I really don't have that kind of time, you know?

Hash? Again, we have the time management issue to deal with. Seriously, you might as well save me from all those dirty little potatoes and the puree of corned beef. Just direct me straight to some nice tasty creamed lard. My stomach does queasy distrusting flops at the mere thought of eating hash.

Oatmeal's okay. Same with cream of wheat. Granola is nice, be it dry or cooked or mixed in with fruit and yogurt. Granola, ah granola. You are the saving grace of breakfast. You and so flexible and cheerful.

Grits? Eh. Not my favorite ground corn product. And as I understand it, even those fiercely loyal to the grit understand, grits just aint for everyone. But really. How long must the grit be cooked before it looses that "Hey! Who put gravelly, gravelly sand in my porridge?!?" texture? It is a mystery for the ages, darlings.

But more than anything, I think the waffle is the very worst. All bumpy and lumpy and unsure. At first you think it's gonna be nice and toasty and crisp on the outside. But then all the butter and syrup falls in the holes and makes the waffle all soggy and doughy. And I know statistically and linguistically, I cannot be the first person ever to find the waffle irksomely oscillating. If I was, then it wouldn't be a metaphor for a person who says one thing, but then does the direct opposite.

Waffles suck, and that is all there is to that.

4:51 pm - 05.26.03
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