soapboxdiner

The one where the butterflies freak me out

It's a balmy 60-some degrees out currently and 6:30 of the eve. The kid is out making use of the remaining sunlight and riding his bike. God bless the springtime, darlings, as I am ever so happy to have the 30 minutes or so of early evening spent alone, without him underfoot.

I emailed the stalker today to apologize for not calling him over the weekend as promised. I'd forgotten to forward his number to the yahoo account. We've made plans to touch base tonight instead. I am a bundle of nerves at the proposition.

Here's a secret. I am so deathly afraid of the thought of "dating" that I find myself daydreaming rather cathartically about him. Specifically, about him kissing my neck and making me feel all tingly so I let out soft moans in the back of my throat. Then the catharsis of fantasy takes even naughtier turns and I find myself blushing. In reality, I realize that he will have to be so disturbingly forward with his advances to get to this point that the average man would just give me up as a lost and frigid cause. Why I daydream this way when the reality is such a polar opposite entity, I don't know. Perhaps I'm pulling a double-duty thing where I both psyche up for the possibility of allowing myself to prepare for the most extreme form of intimacy while soothing and distracting myself with the happy vibes.

In any event and whatever the cause, it leaves me all pheramonal and hyped without an outlet that hasn't already been made use of extensively. Oh, and I'm ovulating too, so there is that added tension atop it all.

Secretly, I'm wishing that we could just get nekid now and alleviate all these pent up nerves. What a hoochie I am, eh?

And even after all your kind inputs on the matter, I find myself freaked and afraid of dating him. Even though there is a sort of history between us and his forward nature that allows me to know exactly what his motives are. The fact of the matter is, dating freaks me out. But I suppose I have ample reserves to hide these emotions from all but the most trained of eyes. So much so, I will probably come off as cold and unmoved, rather than simply testing the waters of emotional openness before just jumping in.

Argh. I don't care what people say. The butterflies ARE NOT EITHER the best part to dating.

6:51 pm - 03.31.03
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