soapboxdiner

I will write of this no more

Why would someone who for a year and a half tell you every day, "You are the only good thing in this office. You are the only one who helps. You're smart and helpful and kind. I'm glad you're here, SBD."

Why would that person tell you, "Sure! I'd love to reference you." and then tell an interviewer two months later, "I'm sorry. We don't give references here. Company policy."

I look like a fool. I've lost the job - today. She was pissed and felt jerked around - that I was jerking her.

Why would someone you've known for five years just not return the woman's call? A woman who came to me when she wanted to talk. A woman I came to when I needed to talk. A woman I worked my ass off for. Just not return one phone call that could mean a vital change in her friend's life.

Why do people do that?

I lost the job.

Today I came face to face with the stark realization that no matter how good I am, I am all alone. I am, practically speaking, without a single person IRL who will vouch that I come in every day with a smile on my face and do my job well. I am stuck in a dead end job that will one day grant me the ability to live large in some cardboard on the side of a road. But only if I take all the demeaning shit they feed me daily, beating me down and down and down.

Sure, it sounds awefully melodramatic, but you just try living it. It's not so melodramatic then. Then, it is your life. And no matter how much more you are able to do, nobody will give you the chance.

I cried today. Walking around the office, entering cubicle after cubicle trying to delicately to wipe swollen eyes dry, turning down my face to hide my humiliation, only to have post nasal drip fall onto the files.

Today, one person asked, "Why you cry, girl." and another said, "Let me get you a coffee on break." And nobody else noticed the 29 year old woman walking around the office with her soul crushed, wiping her nose on her sleeve.

7:47 pm - 01.17.03
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