soapboxdiner

Boy Beautiful

I never, ever, thought that I would find myself drawn to a child. Typically, though somewhat age-ist of me, I find young adults to be people lacking in foresight, insight, and life intelligence. Is it a false perception? I don't know. I know that is the way I was at the age in question. Naive.

Usually, when in the company of young people, I assume the role of "more experienced and kindly older advisor." I like that role. There are so many, many things I wish I knew at that age. So many things I never thought about, or that I made light of, or lacked in my upbringing. A lot of things I still am working on overcoming. And for some reason, I seem to think that is the case for all young people.

It's a shock to find myself drawn to the mind and personality of such a young person. As I talk with him, there are times when he is so insightful... it shocks me. And if you couple that with the unblemished clean slate with which they (young people) and he (in specific) view the world; the optimism, the openness, the accepting of the world being a place of possibilities. The lack of fear. It's nearly contagious. It's beautiful in a way that only innocence combined with inherent kindness and intelligence can be.

And it draws me. It makes me acutely aware that I am not, but I still wish and want to be. I want to consume it. I want to know it again. I want to be it.

It makes me feel like a dirty old woman who is bent on seducing the babe. It doesn't help that he is physically astounding. Deep deep eyes and chiseled jaw. Ultimately edible, though not to be unappreciated for the rest that lies behind the beauty. Almost reverred.

It's a sick fascination, really.

I asked him today about what it was like growing up in his family. And that is the crux of it. Because I long to know what it is like to grow up unshattered. What it is like to have ones parents share with you the secrets that make you wise, kind, and generous. Realistic and grounded and centered and focused.

He didn't understand the question. As though the tenuous filament that I assume would make me transparent for even asking the question was lost on him. That inside I feel broken and that I look for a way to fix that state, he didn't seem to intuit or comprehend. And as much as I would love to have his insights, I am very much glad that he does not have mine.

5:48 pm - 01.10.03
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