soapboxdiner

So soon the flower of novelty withers

Today was possibly the worst day in recent history, full of stress and blame and condemnation. Full of sitting with my head buried in my hands violently shaking, "No. No no no. I didn't do anything wrong."

I can only try so hard, you know? I don't give half way. If I'm going to do something, I am going to give my best. Always. Blame it on a childhood spent always having to make up for some short-coming or another. Blame it on being brought up to do something right or not at all and with a smile to boot.

But I feel the pink slip being pulled from it's file. I feel it everytime I try to say, "I was thinking of doing this," and hear, "Don't think." A smart-assed comment perhaps said in jest. A comment I shouldn't take personally except there is real intent behind the words and I know it. I hear the pink slip when I call my boss at home on a vacation day. When I tell her there is a file missing from an import from the website and she immediately asks, "What did you do wrong now?"

I didn't do anything wrong. All I did was notice a discrepency and notify people. Her assumption was later recanted - though wordlessly - as she told me the discrepency was caused by the domain host and that she's known about it for weeks. But still, her first thought was that I was deviating from the procedure that she gave me - the one she has been having me re-write.

Yes. This has all been neurotic, sorry. I feel neurotic about it. It's a shame to want something to work so badly - for some stability, for a little certainty that the next check isn't going to be the last and it's okay to go shopping for new school clothes for the kid because you aren't worried about how you'll be paying bills next month. To feel accomplished in your chosen profession. To know where you're going be at 9 am come Monday.

It's a shame to want some of that and not feel comfortable with the answer.

I don't want to be fired. Please, just let me have a little security. Let me keep a little bit of this sanity that is slipping out between the cracks. That's all I ask.

5:03 pm - 07.26.02
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