soapboxdiner

Insecurity gets the better

Finally. A year in the making, a call for an interview. Ecstatic, excited, scared, nervous, hopeful, dreadful are all the emotions that combine in me now.

I am in the grips of insecurity as I type this, and I have been for far longer than the butch part of me likes to admit. That part of me that says I am strong enough and smart enough to be worthy and then some.

Trying to hide that other side that says I've job hopped too much. The part that says I have no experience in anything but what I've sworn to never do again. The part that says no one will hire someone who has no clue what she wants. It all scares me to death, that feeling of transparency.

For too long I have been without the one thing that allows me peace: stability and assurance that I can get paid continuously for a thing I am good at. If I could describe for you the depth of how much I want that, you would shake your head and tell me I worry too much over trivialities.

My head aches with all the insecurities. It tells me to jump on the first thing offered, despite all the experts who say to hold out for something that fits just right. Right now all I hope for is something that will take me. And oh, the pain of feeling that way. I hate myself for questioning myself this much.

I just want to be safe a little bit. I just want to go to the same place and work and be paid. I don't want to have to tell people, "I work temp because I have no goals and every other applicant is more determined and desirable than me."

And that is the crux of it. I feel in this as I feel in so many other facets of my life: passed over for someone better.

Please, just tell me I'm good enough in your eyes.

I hate this feeling. I hate that I have to ask.

5:00 pm - 10.02.02
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