soapboxdiner

100 things

1. I was born in April, in a blizzard.

2. I'm an Aries.

3. I act JUST like an Aries.

4. Don't piss me off or make me hurt you, because I will.

5. I was a fat kid.

6. My sister used to tie me to the back of her bike and take off fast; forcing me to make the inenviable choice: Run or I'll drag you by the rope tied to my banana seat.

6. She did it with an evil cackle and a twirl of her still present mustache.

7. I'm not bitter about it though.

8. The worse form of punishment I can imagine is eating any form of egg.

9. My sister used to cook me egg sandwiches for dinner when I was a kid.

10. I wouldn't eat them.

11. She then beat me with wooden spatulas until 1. they broke or 2. I started crying and ate the sandwich.

12. She then stripped me naked and pushed me outside.

13. Then she'd lock the door and yell, "Look at the fat naked cry baby!"

14. But I'm not bitter. (bitch stick)

15. When I was little, I looked for easter eggs "up".

16. I thought I'd score on the ones mom hid high off the ground, where the sibs weren't looking.

17. I thought I was being clever.

18. Everyone else thought I was retarded.

19. Mom pitied her "challenged child" and finally just started hiding some in trees.

20. I blame the brain damage on my sister.

21. But I mean it, I'm really not bitter.

22. I have absolutely no self control in matters of money or men.

23. I have no desire to obtain any.

24. I once was a stripper.

25. It lasted six hours.

26. I would be mortified if ever asked to dance naked for my partner.

27. I'm shy like that.

28. In seventh grade, I "held" a sneeze.

29. It came out anyway and sounded just like a really loud fart.

30. For the remainder of the year, my nickname was "Stinky".

31. I think I've already told most of these stories.

32. The first time I got drunk, it was over a two liter of California Cooler.

33. I spent three hours puking in a stranger's bathroom.

34. I was forced to get up and put on a formal dress, then go home.

35. Because it was curfew, and I told mom I was at a Tolo dance, instead of down the street being horrifically drunk.

36. My first boyfriend was Vietnamese.

37. His name was Ptoui.

38. My sister used to say his name by making the sound of hawking a loogie. Then she laughed at me.

39. But I'm not bitter.

40. When I was 16, she finally went too far with me.

41. She unplugged the phone from the jack when I was on talking to Ptoui.

42. I beat her with the phone until the Stepdad had to physically remove me from her person.

43. She didn't make fun of me anymore after that.

44. I think she's bitter about it.

45. I was madly in love with Eric Estrada as a child.

46. My favorite TV shows as a kid were Grizzly Adams, Love Boat, and of course, Fantasy Island.

47. I used to mimic Tattoo, yelling De Plane, De Plane! at the beginning of each episode.

48. I was voted to have the best penmenship in Montana when I was in eighth grade.

49. I cheated.

50. No I didn't.

51. The first album I ever owned was The Oakridge Boys, Elmira.

52. In my lifetime, I have wanted to be a marine biologist, an anthropologist, and a sumo wrestler.

53. My uncle was a garbage man and the coolest thing ever growing up was riding on the back of his truck.

54. Well, that and sitting up front and secretly looking at the nudey mags he'd fish from people's trash.

55. I now realize one of us was seriously deranged.

56. I'm still trying to decide which one of us it was.

57. The first time I saw a porno was at the drive in.

58. It was a double feature that dad and his wife took all the kids to.

59. I hid on the floor of the car and rocked myself saying NONONO through the whole first movie.

60. Then I sat up and became transfixed as the melon man inspected a little more than just the grapefruits.

61. I seriously think there is something wrong with my family.

62. Two times in my life, I have been serenaded with the song Pretty Woman.

63. The first time was a guy who played me the acoustic version on his guitar.

64. I thought he was a freak and stopped dating him IMMEDIATELY.

65. The second time was at a karaoke bar by a guy named Hank. He purred so sexy I took him home and made him do it again... and again and again.

66. I'm running out of interesting things to mention.

67. Oh! I can make the sides of my throat touch. It's my greatest accomplishment. I used to think it was because I had freakishly large tonsils, but then I had them removed and could still do it. I apparently have excellent control over very odd muscle groups.

68. Speaking of muscles, I once broke my high school's record for free weight squatting - 250 lbs, baby!

69. The most I could ever bench was 55 lbs. I have the wussiest upper body strength.

70. I've broken exactly two bones in my life. They both occurred in my right foot.

71. I'm double jointed in my thumbs and my big toes.

72. I have hazel/green eyes.

73. When I'm angry or sad, they turn purple.

74. The Fiance used to tell me I was possessed by the devil.

75. That was probably because I spent so much time pissed and sad when with him.

76. But I'm not bitter.

77. I can't whistle.

78. But I can roll my tongue.

79. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot.

80. It takes me exactly all effing night to do it.

81. I've given up on it though, because I'd much rather just drink myself silly.

82. I used to sign autographes for Paula Abdul, but now I sign them for her fat sister.

83. But I'm not bitter.

84. Dad used to tell me to eat jalapenos because they'd put hair on my chest.

85. I've lived up to his prophecy. Bastard.

86. Don't worry, I pluck.

87. Religiously.

88. I also have a unibrow and side burns.

89. I curse my hursuit forebearers for passing the gene down to me.

90. I've subsequently passed it to my own child. He has hair growing from his ears, his back, and his butt.

91. I'm ever so proud.

92. I'm almost done, and I'm stuck again.

93. I'm the unfunny one of the family. They think I'm a party pooper and way, way too serious.

94. I think they's just stoopid, tho, cuz I'm one funny beotch.

95. However, they think I'm the smart one of the family.

96. Boy do I have them fooled.

97. I won a spelling bee once.

98. Today I have to sing that I before E song every time I want to spell piece.

99. It still doesn't look right to me.

100. I made it to 100! I'm proud and completely unbitter. Yay me.

5:33 pm - 03.08.03
previous | next

Home | Archives | Profile | Notes | DiaryLand | Random Entry