soapboxdiner

It's all gonna be alright

So far, so good, no contact from Mister T. Which is probably to be expected, as I'm sure his family is hosting a nice, big welcome home celebration. Which is to be expected and is good. Life should be enjoyed and monumental moments shared with those you love, and who love you.

I want to curl up and hide. I want to release a primal scream. But not for the preceding reasons. I am blessed, but the day in and day out is just so overwhelming sometimes, it's hard to remember to breathe.

Today I sent an email to a trainee asking her to let me know if she was having trouble with her equipment. "I want to make sure that you are able to hear the audio clearly. I want to you have all the tools you need to be successful. Please let me know if I can help you."

See, her latest documents were ridiculously inaccurate. But I didn't say that; I just asked about her equipment.

And then she came into my office and I began to show her the first page of the document. It was nearly perfect -- it wasn't until page 5 that she tanked. And right there looking at page 1, she burst into tears. "How long do I have to be QC'ed? I came into the office today and just wanted to vomit. How long are you going to put me through this? What, do I have to be perfect?"

Tears.

I swear, this is soooo hard. She legitimately wants to be successful. Her skills just suck, and she has zero ability to persevere, learn, and incorporate constructive feedback. She even told me Friday, "Oh, this doc is going to be horrible. It was the end of the day and I was in my, 'I don't care' mode."

Excuse me? How is that acceptable? Please explain your justification of that statement. How am I supposed to train a person who produces half-assed work and then bursts into tears instead of putting out the effort to learn?

But I am blessed, because though I feel the same way sometimes (like yesterday), I KNOW that I am capable. I KNOW that I work hard. I KNOW that even though I make mistakes, I can do this. I persevere.

And the CEO IM'ed me today. She asked if I was ready to launch the next training course yet. I had to tell her I haven't had an opportunity to even LOOK at it for a month. I suck. I'm really sorry. "When do you think it will be ready?" "I can have the schedule and announcements to you by tomorrow morning." "That would be FANTASTIC, SBD. Thank you."

You betcha.

So I'm working tonight, because I accepted the challenge and made a commitment that I, by damn, will keep. I will work 7 days a week and make sure it's ready and it kicks ass.

And D00d is coming over tonight to talk me down off my ledge. He will envelop me in his calm embrace and I will melt into his heartbeat. And I am blessed to have his reassuring presence giving me love.

6:41 pm - 10.14.08
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