soapboxdiner

Now I need a place to hide away...

Today I woke up to crushing, inexplicable sadness, and it has stayed with me all day. Sad sucks, do you know that?

Today was also Steven's 8th birthday. We had a party. Tomorrow begins my vacation and we will be heading out early for a 3 day camping trip. I am currently cooking and cleaning and washing loads of laundry, whereas I thought (up until this morning when I opened the dresser and found nothing there) I would be set until we got back from the trip.

And in all this flurry, I am very, very sad.

I have been very evil lately. Ugly as a human being and I am rather ashamed of myself. I have a man who wants to be my boyfriend, who is sweet and kind and calls me all the time to check in on me and I brush him off and be all rude to him all the time. We've only known each other, what, 3 weeks I think? Something like that. We've been out a couple times, and he's been over for dinner 3 times - the last time being Tuesday. After dinner he dried all the dishes. When it was all done, we went out onto the patio, where he massaged my calves and feet and told me (when I kidded that he's always out and never home) that he needed to slow down on that, and that he wants to come spend more evenings at my house, "to spend time with me, and also with my son because as I am a mother, dating me means dating my son as well".

Do you see how sweet this man is? And I'm mean to him. It just blurts out of my mouth before I even think. Just blurts. I asked him if I messed a critical conversation, because I don't remember agreeing to "date". I told him I don't know him, and he doesn't know me, and furthermore, I haven't dated in over three years and am not entirely sure I want to start now.

Do you know what he said? Do you? He said okay. He was fine with taking more time.

Bah. I hate that stuff. I have done absolutely nothing to deserve him being nice to me like this.

I haven't decided if I want to date him, owing to my mind going all fast forward and contemplating whether or not he will be a person in whom I will be comfortable relying on. I am not entirely sure I can get over the minimal/marginal level of physical attraction. And it is for these reason, wholy reasons that do not apply to this stage of the game, why I him and haw and be all rude keeping him at arms length.

I need professional help. It is no wonder why I'm a crotchity, vile little woman for whom life has very little happiness or love. I suppose me being rude and shallow always brushing people off who want to get to know just might have something to do with that.

And I wanted to tell him (part of) these things, but he is not home now, when I want to talk.

And I am very sad and deserving of the whole lot of the badness I am currently feeling. If I were him, I sure wouldn't want to date me.

Anyway. I won't be back here for awhile. I'm off to the forest and the hills. I'll see you all on the flip side.

9:42 pm - 05.20.04
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