soapboxdiner

Because my own baggage is not enough

Strange conversation with my mother this weekend. Actually, several. I'm not entirely sure that I'm liking her attitude very much these days.

First, last Tuesday, she was complaining about the family's lack of giving spirit. She was upset with certain members of the family getting upset that she wanted to give presents to those members (members who out of financial concerns did not want to feel guilty for being on her receiving end without giving her something, too).

She stated she wanted to give, and they could probably manage to give her something small or sentimental or perhaps homecrafted, as it was the thought that counts, after all. Then she boo hooed about the step dad getting his brother and SIL a gift (as he doesn't have a job), but he told her they would not exchange gifts this year. She asked me, "Who is more important, here? His brother or me - the woman whose been supporting him?"

I said in passing, "I suppose it's hard on a man's self-esteem, not working. I imagine it would be hard to make his lack of money a matter of public record."

But guess who was the Scrooge without a single present purchased for others under the tree this year? After all that griping, you'd think she'd have gotten at least one person something. You know, maybe something small and sentimental. Even homecrafted.

Hm.

Anyway, so we were chatting about her friends. Namely, about their adult daughter. I've mentioned the daughter before, remember? It seems Daughter has gotten worse since the last time I saw her. Her parents kicked her out of their house this past week, as she "borrowed" their car one night and wrapped it around a telephone pole. Needless to say, she was not sober at the time.

And then my mother says, "I think her getting kicked out will be good for her, don't you?"

Well, let me see. She has severe depression and other mental illnesses for which she is on combination therapy. She is unable to mentally function. She is near catatonic on her best days. She is suicidal. Do I think adding stresses in her life at this point is a good idea for her? Do I think she will "just snap out of it" and "buckle down" now, just because she has to?

No, I don't think its a good idea, because I don't think she has two higher functions to rub together right now. I think their "tough love" in "forcing her to take care of herself" will push her further into her illness. I think when a person does not even realize that they do not have the coping (much less life) skills to sustain a job, a household, and childrearing, to force them out will not "shake them out of it". Much to the contrary, I think it is a great disservice that will most likely cause her to plummet into a cardboard box in a downtown alley somewhere, if not kill her.

She does not need tough love, as that type of tough love would require her to be cognizant of what the consequences of not providing for herself are, and the faculties and resources to remedy her situation. Whereas now, she is gone. A virtual zombie of babble and drool and incoherence who doesn't even realize how far from functional she is. She needs professional (and probably inpatient) help. She needs to be able to understand her situation before she will ever be able to correct it.

Is the position the parents are in lousy? Sure it is. Should they with any conscience at all simply abandon her because its hard? Fuck no. What kind of parent does that? How can they call that love?

Mom didn't understand my position. She said, "Well, when you didn't have a job, you worked your ass off. You didn't give up."

Well mom, you don't know how close I came, and how lucky I was to have had the coping skills to deal. Because I was within one hair's breadth of where she is. I had tried my damnedest to get somewhere, and all I got was a steady two year stream of rejections. I was this close to exhausting my last resource, and the thread of hope and effort I was hanging on was unravelling.

No, I don't see how a person who has no hope losing the only stable thing in her life could possibly be beneficial for her. I don't see that at all. And I really don't know how you, after seeing it first hand, can think it is.

7:18 pm - 12.28.03
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