soapboxdiner

Another funny thing I (finally) learned along the way

There is so much melancholy around Diaryland lately. It makes me sad and a little uncomfortable, mainly because I want to say all these comforting things, but they always come out all jumbled. Or, out of sheer unwillingness to make the situation about my own discomfort, I don't say anything at all. Here, diaryland, in my journal written for and about myself, I say what I wouldn't (and don't) say IRL - Yuck, me. So selfish.

But you know it's really funny... with the release from the stressors of joblessness and supporting my child in such a fashion, and then getting back on the road to financial security, (and if I may yet again take stock in Where I'm At In Life) I find it very amusing, the things I let slip by. Out of anxiety hawk-eyeing for any sign of disapproval, out of "but that's too expensive right now", out of (fill in your own convenient excuse), I've learned exactly how to distrust everyone around me until I am so emotionally removed... well, I'm sure you get the idea.

Which in itself is an interesting thing to become aware of about yourself. Not for self-flagellation purposes, or pity me purposes, or congratulate me on thinking about myself yet again purposes, but more as a general awareness of one easy step I can take.

And as I slap my forehead and remember all the references every child receives about doing unto others and the principle of getting back what you put in, I step away from the keystroked ruminations, spend an evening playing Scrabble on my inherited vintage Scrabble board, and devote two nights a week this winter to taking my fish child to swimming lessons. Because he loves to swim. Because it is something he wants that I can do for him, rather than for myself.

Yes, kind of interesting. Imagine, doing something joyfully for someone else - just because you love them and want them to be happy. What a novel concept.

9:57 pm - 11.04.03
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