soapboxdiner

What the hell was I thinking?

Hey, do you all remember Nora? Man. How much does it suck to work with people you "kicked it" with?

Every day I see her. Every day I nod and smile and say hello cordially but not too warmly, owing to the fact that she told me not to fall in love. To which I said I had no plan on it. Then came the talk, "We'll still be friends. You're important to me, Carla."

Fine. Sure. We can be friends. And so I'd visit her. In the air, there was always a heavy uncomfortable vibe of, "Will you just leave already?" So I did, and stopped dropping by to say hello.

And at first I was a little hurt at the abruptness of it. What the hell was all the talking about, if this is how it ends? Fine. That's fine. There will be no more awkward moments; no more safe, uncomfortable conversations that are nowhere near the curious but hesitant conversations expressed in the eye contact. Is Carla in love with me? or Will Nora ever get real and understand that, no, I don't love her. I like her and before anything else, would like her friendship. But if she thinks I'm chasing her with shackles in my hands for her, well. Whatever.

And I've left it alone and acted like nothing ever happened. I've fairly convinced myself of it, really. It's just at times she'll look at me sideways, or smile just a bit broader, or stop to chat me up like the old days. And I think maybe at last this is blowing over. Maybe now it doesn't have to be awkward anymore. And I allow myself to be receptive and on friendly terms with her.

The next day, though, there she is shut down again, vibing me to disappear.

Lord, I just don't need the merry go round. I don't understand what the hang up is here but I really don't see myself chasing after the explanation.

It's sad, really. Sad two grown women can't separate the one thing from the other when both express a sense of connection/admiration/affection. She owes it to women being too emotional, but really. Honestly now. What in the span of one month of dating could possibly cause so much emotional upheaval? Perhaps some women need to take a breath once in a while and get over themselves. Perhaps others just need to stop taking responsibility for the other's feelings.

In my perfect world, this sort of fallout would simply not happen.

8:49 pm - 09.25.03
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