soapboxdiner

Tired

Why - why does all of this have to be so hard? In the presence of affection, in the presence of warmth and genuine caring, why do I have to face this damned wall of mine? Why do I have to force myself to literally take this breath, force myself to say, "It's all going to be okay, Carla. This person cares about you. There will not be an ugly rejection of all that you are. No amount of cellulite will stop this other person from caring about you - stipping to your skin and becoming ultimately vulnerable won't cause this other person to hate you and despite you and break you down until all you are are your tears and vulnerability and your pain and your broken heart that wants to heal itself - that wants to trust that everything will be okay if you show yourself - to come out of your caccoon of self-preservation at the cost of never getting close - of never opening up - ov never truly living this life you've got."

Why is I yearn for Bohemia but am confined to domesticity - imprisoned for another 15 years without a chance of parol - feeling as if I am not allowed to have any other life outside of parenthood and dinner and 6 and bath at 7 and by damn, don't think you can have any physical joy in your own home because what if the child hears?

I feel so terribly claustrophobic and strangled and impotent. And I ache to dance naked to drums and not care - not worry. I'm tired of my own dysfunction, but there is a part inside, a voice that says I'm not so different. These wants are universal and these needs that cannot be voiced... no one hold them against me. The part tells me... just let go. Just do what gives you life.

Why won't this damned wall come down... and why the hell won't it just shut up and let me feel some happiness?

I'm tired of being unhappy.

7:48 pm - 07.03.03
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