soapboxdiner

When you're wimpy and you know it, clap your hands

Do ya ever feel like you're just a big ole hurking pile of chicken doo?

Totally me, right at this very moment. I so completely don't know what I've gotten myself into or how to most diplomatically extract myself from the situation.

You see, I had a crush. I told the crushee about the crush, and she said, "I need to process this."

Then I left it alone. But my mind was screaming with "What is she thinking!?!" and "What now?!? OMG, what now!?" You could fairly see the question mark/exclamations above my head.

Then we talked. A lot.

Then we argued even more. Well, not necessarily argue per se, but definite tension was there.

Instantaneous buzz kill.

Then we kissed.

Then we were back to tension. "I not ready to date."

"Okay. We'll not date. We won't kiss. We won't have sex."

Then we were cool again. No more tension. Just enjoying each other's company. Within boundaries. With caution.

Then we had sex. And.. and. The push was nice, but the shove definitely left something to be desired.

You see, I've had noncommitted sex before. I know what it's about and what it does to me. It feels as if I'm good enough to associate with... just so long as the association isn't acknowledged publically. No going to the club together, no schelmping around town. No dinner and a movie. No walks on the beach. No anything besides meeting at my house so I can cook dinner and provide entertainment until the kid goes to sleep and then providing services when he does. Who the fuck wants that?

Then there is the fat girl thing. Do you know, sex is different when you're fat. Sure, you may still have some pull and still get the action, but you know what? Nobody wants to touch your tummy or caress and kiss your abdomen, hips or thighs when they wiggle. Not that I'm without options there. Sure, I could lose weight. But the thing is, why the fuck should I have to change how I am in order to be deemed attractive enough to touch and/or date?

That there is just an observation. Deep down I may miss the sensations of having my skin explored freely and intimately, even I don't like to touch other people's fat. I avoid it too. But damn could I ever appreciate a nice trail of kisses down my hip bones.

Eh. Anyway.

So yeah. The buzz is gone. I much prefer not being crazy trying to measure how much of myself to give or what someone else is thinking. I much prefer hanging out and laughing and having fun.

But now we've gone and done IT. Is there a nice way to say, "Gee, I enjoyed the nookie there and all (well kind of in that whole heat of the moment but I know you really don't want me because you won't be seen with me pubically and you won't touch me where I like to be touched) but I really don't think we can ever ever ever do that again. Why? Because I thought I really liked you, but now I only kinda like you but just not in that way."

But then she was giving me the googley eyes today. The "hahaha, we have an in-side se-cret!" look. And I really like that look.

Just typing this makes me realize, I'm a punk, yo. If I were a man, I'd currently be being led around by a steal grip on my dick crying, "Oh baby, baby, why don't ya be loving me."

Which is clearly not my standard style of Don't Like It? Fuck Ya Then. You Don't Have To Like It For It To Be The Way It Is.

I'm much more comfortable in the Bad Ass role.

Oh, and quote of the night: Damn I wish I brought my strap on.

Words I could have laid bets I'd never hear directed to me. But fun and funny in that quirky/serious way I love.

5:43 pm - 06.16.03
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