soapboxdiner

Here I come, big daddy!

The other night an internet buddy (of several years) and I finally breeched the final barrier of internet etiquette. That's right. We talked candidly and openly about the S E X. You know, what girls think and what guys think.

Then it got hairy. We talked about personal preferences. No, it's not what you're thinking. There were no scenes out of The Truth about Cats & Dogs. No immaculately concieved love children will be had from the little encounter.

Dammit.

However, we did decide that we are ultimately compatible in the ole bedroom. When we said goodbye, he kindly suggested that if I ever find myself in his town, we could confirm our suspected but unconfirmed compatibility offline. Heh.

Things we both agreed upon:

1. Women are NOT gumbies, and most of us are not contortionists. That whole "ram a girl's knees up to her ears" thing hurts like a mofo, and she doesn't have any leverage for mutually enjoyable hip rockin' action. What this particular position is reminiscent of is folding her into Sampsonite carry-on size. Trust us, guys; we'd never make it through the airport X-ray machines, so let's not even go there.

2. While it is a natural physiologic phenomenon for men to increase tempo when approaching the finish line, if you go all tommy gun action on a girl, she will not like it. And really, you look quite silly when you do it. It reminds one of the poodle that got too friendly with the people leg. And is that really the look you're going for? Slow down, big guy. You aren't packing a weapon of mass destruction down there.

3. On the matter of duration. There is a fine line, guys, between too much and too little. Try to find a happy medium between: "After three hours, I just stopped being into it. So I made a mental list of what I have to accomplish tomorrow." and "He was such a light weight. I'm serious, two minutes - tops, and it was over. What a waste of a perfectly good fantasy."

This, just for your helpful edification gentlemen, does NOT mean women want you pounding their privates for six hours straight. Don't pound her girl parts for six hours. She appreciates the abilty to walk when you both are done. What this means is, Hey buddy! Can I get a little foreplay here? Could you perhaps find a knobby bit of girl flesh and manipulate it for a bit? If you need assistance in finding it, please consult the roadmap of female anatomy. Start in the center and go north. When she jumps and says anything along the lines of Right there, daddy!, consider yourself at your lay-over destination. Spend some time there. Accommodations are happily offered. Do it right and there may even be a continental breakfast to look forward to. I'm just saying.

4. Boy parts may begin at the gear shift, but they do not end there. Don't fear the bean bag, girls. Consult the driver's manual if you require further instructions.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by AOL Women, Guy Critical, and the letters X, X, & X with thoughtful contributions from my local classified ads, which listed many admin jobs in my internet buddy's city of residence.

11:06 am - 02.08.03
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