soapboxdiner

The science of livening up a dull reception

Robert Downey Jr. came to visit me in my dreams last night. Not the strung out Downey - no no no. That simply would not do. No. It was the Downey of the pre-heroin days. The Weird Science days. We were at my sister's wedding reception in this big ole tri-level Mason's lodge. Only, he wasn't "with me" with me. He was just there.

We spied each other from across the room and he did that sarcastic "This bites. Let's get this party started" eye thing that he does. You know the eye thing? That kinda sexy goofy fun let me suck honey off your exposed flesh just for some kicks look that he used to have before his eyes were glossy. Yeah. That thing. He was with his perpetual Weird Scieince sidekick ^ that guy ^. "That guy" was never big in Hollywood though, so we shall just call him "that guy".

Anyway, so RDJ and that guy went outside unbeknownst to me. Outside the party was on the rolling manicured lawn/garden more in keeping with a country club rather than a Mason's lodge. It was all good though. There were linen table cloths and pergolas and flowers and all the typical accompanying hoopla found at wedding receptions.

So I went up to RDJ and that guy, who were sitting convivially amongst other party guests, doing that whole "we're so fucking bored with this party, we're here talking to you" thing. Yeah, so I walked up to the bored Weird Science Robert Downey Jr. and I slapped him across the face.

"What the fuck, RDJ? I'm so pissed at you!"

Ane he got a vaguely interested and amused look on his face. Of course, only he, that guy, and I knew that he was a complete stranger to me.

"Why is that, honey?" he said.

"Last fucking night. You didn't get me off. Again! Every damned time we fuck, I suck your dick. When was the last time you ate me out, you bastard you?!? Huh? You don't even remember last night do you, you sorry fuck!"

This, all said very loudly. All the better to draw attention to us. The reception quartet stopped playing. Conversation ceased. Birds were silent. The whole of the reception turned to watch the proceedings.

"Oh. Um. Honey. I eat you out all the time. You know that." says RDJ in my dream.

"Yeah, that's right." said that guy.

"And you! We've fucked 17 times! You never go down on a bitch. You can shut the hell up, cuz I'm not playing this shit no more. Pussy ass little white boy. Psh. Shut up."

"Oh honey. We're hurt. Don't be like that." they chime in unison.

"That's enough. You're through. Both of you. I'm going to go find me some real men." I says.

And I stomped off in my heels through the rolling manicured lawn of the Mason's lodge - followed by the stunned eyes of all my sister's wedding guests and a contrite RDJ tag-teamed by that guy running after.

That was the funniest damn dream I've ever had. I woke up just LAUGHING. No giggles. No chortles. Full, hearty guffaws and snorts.

I love dreams like that.

6:33 pm - 01.29.03
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