soapboxdiner

On expectations and desires

What to be and what to feel, right now? Hard and cold? Soft and sappy? Compassionate or callused? How am I supposed to respond?

I read your web site, Friend with No Name (here, at any rate. I respect that you don't want to be named.)

We talked. Angry and guarded and raw and exposed. Guarded.

I don't understand why. My mind circles around it. Dissecting the minutia of it all and then realizing minutia is shit. There is a bigger picture to which we should look. Namely, what exactly do we want from each other? In that vain, how will we continue? What kind of words will we give to each other to honestly show how we feel?

Drama and fighting and bitterness and walls do not and cannot be the whole. Walls do not sustain one thing. Ever. Never have been and never will. That is the paradox of what walls are. When we think they protect us, all they do in reality is block out whatever potential there is for something kinder. And that something kinder is the thing that heals us when what is on the inside waivers.

I can be your shoulder. I can be your friend. I can be someone to support you. What I cannot be is the one you come to when you want someone to push away.

And that is not the best of you that I remember anyway.

My friend, I want and hope so much that you come back into my life. But not like it was last night. I know who you are and I know how you feel and I know where your desires lie. I know what you want when you confide in yourself - and that was not what we shared last night.

When I said I wanted to cry...

Well...

I don't imagine there is a person in this world who doesn't know the end to that sentence.

If you want me, we won't be dramatic. What we will be is mutual. That is what I want from you, and that is what I expect.

10:23 am - 01.05.03
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