soapboxdiner

Get Rael

I was watching The God Channel this morning. Why? Because even with the fancy new high powered TV antenna we only get four channels - the TGC being the only one even marginally entertaining in the morning.

So I'm watching my Dr. Creflo Dollar Ministries. Have you seen him? He's dreamy. He doesn't have a religious degree, but he's good friends with Kenneth Copeland, which is apparently all you need to proclaim yourself God's Chosen Disciple. Now Creflo, he's really concerned with bringing you and I prosperity. My God don't want you poor! God wansta heap riches on you!

I for one find it very relieving that God cares about putting my credit right with FingerHut. Curing world hunger? Disease? The Ozone layer? Nah - God's focusing on me and my credit report. Dr. Creflo's God truly is an Awesome God, don't you think?

But it gets even better. God doesn't want you to follow His Disciple if YOU DON'T TRUST HIM! Don't do it! You can't trust a Man o' God telling you about prosperity if he's riding in a hoopty. Go! Get thee away from that broke preacher! He Doesn't Know Of What He Speaks! You better find you a Man of God that KNOWS what he's talkin bout. A man driving a Rolls and living in a million dollar house. You go to that man o god. Then you give him $40 for a mass produced video telling you he doesn't need your money to make you prosper. Shhh. He'll tell you the secret: God wants you to pray and save your cash! Now give your Man of God his money.

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But we all knew that televangelists are the WWF wrestlers of spirituality, right? I mean, that could hardly be considered "news." I just want to know why everyone wants to bring God into it. It's clearly a man made feel good. For every era, every generation, there is a new spin put on it. My personal favorite these days, the one I'm TRULY thinking might be the right feel good for me - Raelianism. Now here is a religion with some gusto.

Here's the deal with Raelianism. See, Moses got it all wrong when he wrote the blasted story down in the bible. Elohim - you know, the Elohim mentioned in Genesis - they came from another planet to create Adam & Eve but they did it with DNA technology and the inert materials found in the dirt. They made us and then left us to spiritually mature on our own. (Stupid Moses getting the story all messed up. What a genetic throwback! Obviously cloned too many times.)

So back in 1973, The Elohim decided we were Awakened enough for the truth. They beamed up this French dude to the mothership and declared him their ambassador, named him Rael, and told him they would come back and share themselves with the world only after we build them an embassy.

Now, as you know, there is not a religion on this earth that does not demand of its followers a little pain. The Elohim aren't any different. They got their rules, man. See, to be a real follower to Rael, you have to sensually meditate every day. You gotta become one in harmony with your spirit and the matter that surrounds you.

I know, I know. It will be a real sacrifice for me to sensually meditate myself every day. I'm not as needy or nubile as I used to be. But for the love of Heaven, I will do my best. Better if I'm ovulating. (We get to use feathers! Eek!)

Ahem.

The kicker to the whole thing though - and really I don't think religion maker uppers have fabricated a better Heaven Theory since the Koranic Paradise of milk, honey, and 70 virgins to serve you throughout eternity - the kicker is this: If you are a good little boy or girl here on earth, the Elohim will CLONE you back on the home planet, where all the sensual delights you desire - including genetically perfect male/female companions - await you!

I could really get into it. All I have to do is sensually meditate myself every day and if I do it right, I'll be blessed for an eternity with Cosmic Orgasms!

Beats the hell out of Viagra for Women, eh?

2:17 pm - 10.09.02
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