soapboxdiner

So many angels in this world

Denise was a girl I went to high school with. She was an athlete - a runner and a very, very good one. She was mere tenths of seconds shy of making the Olympic cutoffs. She was one of the few people whose presence lulled me out of my high school distain for my peers. Denise and I weren't friends. As a matter of fact, we barely spoke. Different cliques, I suppose.

I remember walking down the hall as a Junior and hearing a Sophmore say, "Those damned blacks need to make way for me. They shouldn't even be here. They should all still be slaves or still in Africa." How I hated that girl. How I wished someone would confront her arrogant and ignorant statements.

I wasn't woman enough then to do it myself, despite my loathing of her and her beliefs. With all that was inside me, I wanted to say something to her. I wanted to punch her in the nose and tell her she was the dregs of humanity. I wanted her to to cower in the awesome presence of righteous indigation and pledge to henceforth know that racial slurs and stereotypes are what keep us as a species in the gutters. I didn't have it in me. No matter how many days and nights I spent regretting that moment I let slip, it was still there.

I remember going to Denise with it. I remember telling her, an Olympic hopeful, Honor Society, college-bound black teenaged woman. I remember telling her, "That Sophmore girl is wrong. She should be educated. I hate that there are people like that still in this world. I am sorry. Can you approach her? You, being all the wonderful things you are and that I admire, should educate her. I want you to know, so if you choose, you can take her on."

Now, and even then after the fact, I wished I hadn't burdened her with that. She was glowing. She was golden. She did not need to be troubled or burdened with a thing so vulgar and base and disheartening. I regret now that I was not enlightened enough to fight down my fear of confrontation. More than anything, I wish I could have faced that girl myself. I hope hope hope that I have not been a memory Denise carries with her.

I saw Denise a couple years later. We spotted each other in a clothing store. She asked, "How have you been these two years, Carla?"

I said, "Denise, I am tired. I am working two minimum-wages jobs and I am tired."

She said, "Carla, you are too young to be tired."

She was in college. She had missed out on the chance to go to the Olympics. I am sure she was heartbroken. And yet she wasn't defeated. I still to this day think about her and admire her.

I wonder how she did it, staying undefeated by life.

And I am so so glad there are women like her in the world to look up to and aspire personally towards.

6:32 pm - 08.23.02
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