soapboxdiner

Is Marriage Anti-Feminist?

Regarding the latest topic over at We Have Brains on whether or not marriage is a patriarchal system.

Though I have never been married, I do have an arguably reasonable understanding of what it is and what it takes to have one successfully. That said, the belief that (a healthy) marriage is anti-feminist is, in my opinion, a truly ridiculous and narrow view.

Marriage is a lot of things: hard, rewarding, challenging, farcical(?), sacred(?). What have you. But above all, it is what you and your spouse make it - what gets put into it in terms of patience, fidelity, trust, respect, and cooperation. This is not to assign positive or negative connotations. There are successful marriages and unsuccessful ones - each successful or not for their own reasons.

Unless a person submits to being dominated, that person is not and should not view him or herself as the lesser partner in the union. What is anti-feminist in the matter is continuing to view one status (i.e. husband/wife) as inherently less than that of the other. And that is all in the individual's state of mind.

Do we view same-sex relationships as lopsided in power? Do we (the 700 Club and their ilk notwithstanding) question whether or not gays/lesbians need to choose between these two institutions? I would think not. That being the case, then why do we still hold to this line of thinking for hetero relationships?

Moreover, why in 2002 are we still harboring the false presumption that being feminists automatically excludes us from an entire realm of healthy adult experience? Valuing self and striving for equality do not negate one's right to or desire for healthy, hopefully lifelong partnerships. If we attempt to separate being feminists from being women, we sadly and soarly deprive ourselves of a potential source of happiness. We will have then normalized an inequitable condition.

What's anti-feminist is viewing the issue as an either/or affair. And in my most humble opinion, the traditional belief that one has to be one or the other has woefully been adopted internally, in part or whole, by the feminist community. Another psychically draining way one person attempts to assert power over another; thereby causing the person to feel inadequate, weak, or otherwise wrong for wanting "both", be it family/career OR feminist views/marriage. The trick is to not fall for the power trip to begin with.

10:40 pm - 09.29.02
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