soapboxdiner

The Meaning of Life

New Girl's promotion was announced today. I'd really like to be happy for her, but more so I find myself bitter that I work in a place that values high school cliquishness over work ethic.

There is much that could be said about how and why I hold those values in contempt, but I cannot hold those things against the girl (in the same vain as "Don�t hate the player; hate the game.") It is the management who wins my contempt. In my perfect world, management would recognize and value those who care more about doing a thing right and well more than they would reward those who play the game of Recognize Me, I�m Kissing Your Ass And You�re Buying It. More, I am simply happy that her step up the ladder means she and I are no longer in the same department. And that is a thing I am very much thankful over.

I am perhaps the most selfish woman on the planet.

Today in the car I thought about The Meaning Of Life. About the fits and starts life presents us not being The Purpose but more a means, an impetus that carries us to where we ultimately strive to go. That "where", that place is not a worldly place in my estimation, nor is it a commercial one.

Yes, the actions we all take are reasoned out in our little brains, and we all like to think those actions are steps toward a destination, a goal. But I think we fool ourselves into thinking the Actions are the goal. We assign purpose to those actions saying, "I am doing such and so for profit. I am doing this to please a loved one, to protect myself, to help mankind." And for those reasons, we act. What if those same actions had no individual greater purpose? What if they are simply the matrix, the static, the tool, through which The Meaning becomes apparent? What if our actions are not The Meaning, but are only catalysts for emotional, mental and spiritual responses that reveal to us our characters. Perhaps we simply bumble through situations that we set up to teach us things we need to know, and from that knowledge we become more fully who we, at conception, were meant to ultimately become.

Perhaps there is no good or evil. Perhaps we only want those designators - or need them as classifications - in order to measure ourselves on the road to where our subconscious perfectly conceived selves want to be. The conflicts we face are not conflicts unless we assign positive and negative connotations to them. If a thing has no worth to us, if we did not personally invest ourselves in value or moral systems, there would be no conflicts. What then would motivate us?

But then I thought, no. The Meaning Of Life is not so base and small a thing as to only be an actualization of a perfect self. Would not The Meaning have to be something grander than a dubious consciousness of our own superciliousness and arrogance? Even if that arrogance stemmed from a desire to live up to some epitomized Goodness?

11:32 pm - 12.28.02
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