soapboxdiner

It isn't so mysterious

Graham just called me.

You know a bit of the history between Graham and I. Well, for the most part, you know it all. His departure could not so much as constitute a leaving, as there was really no beginning. But it is funny, every conversation we've had since that time has been about What Could Have Been.

And really, how much subtext could there be in the refusal of a solitary kiss? Perhaps I could understand it if there had been a mood set. If there had been hand holding walks on the beach or candles and wine by the fireplace. If any of the cliched "first kiss romance" stuff had happened, then I could maybe understand the exploration of psychic significance of one refused kiss.

But the kiss we are discussing was not of that nature. The kiss we are discussing was to have happened while sitting in my car at a red light. We were about to get on the freeway as I was taking him back to the hostel before the doors locked at 10 PM. He turned to look at me and said, "What wooed ya doo if I kist ya?"

I can't see the mystery in that. But then again, when we talk about it, I maybe can.

Aren't relationships funny things? I can tell you a secret based on a lot of experience, it is easy to kiss a person you aren't invested in. Whether or not they are satisfied, you don't have to worry about it. Believe me, they are taking care of that themselves, just as you are. There is no worry about crushed feelings, remorse or regret. It becomes something solely physical. Almost, but just not quite, mutual masturbation with a live person as the tool. Yeah, that sounds harsh, but the truth of the matter is there are no worries involved. You aren't worried about the future ramifications or the other person's intentions. You aren't worried if they like you or if they'll call you tomorrow. You aren't worried if they're sincere.

When feelings start to become involved, it's a whole other ball game. You have to be careful. You start to spin the wheels in your brain over what future events will happen based on the occurrence of that one small intimate exchange. What is the other person's mindset? What are their intentions? Of course you know your own. Obviously, you like them immensely if you are even so much as engaging in the internal debate. And of course you've heard what that person has been saying, but how much of it is hype?

And then there is Graham. Coming to America to marry a woman who in essence left him at the altar a week before. He's contracted the flu. He quit his job to come here. He's unsettled to say the least of his troubles, but as a person, he is charming, sweet, sensitive, FUNNY, fun, responsive. He's wonderful. A great catch, and a great match for me. But man. Is he ready? Can I start caring?

Too soon to tell. To kiss would be to care, and even a little is too much when the breaking of my heart is concerned. Take this sloooowwww. Know what you are getting into.

And then he announces that he's leaving. NO! I'm not ready for you to go. We're just getting started here. We're approaching my wall. I want you on the other side of it. I just want to be sure you're safe. I think you are, I feel you are. I want to trust that you are. Just give me some time to get used to the idea. Don't go away before you even try!

But he left. When he got there, he invited Steven and I to come over. I can't come over. There are thousands of miles between us and my job at stake. How can you ask me to risk so much when you saw how I was over a simple kiss? I can't alter my life on a hunch!

But of course those are never the words that are said, are they? None of those words are ever spoken.

Until he's married and has a child. I wasn't rejecting you. I did care. But I can't move that fast and that far unless I know for sure.

Is that so mysterious?

*Sigh* I don't know why we have to dissect this now. It isn't like it will ever get us anywhere further or closer than on separate continents. And who knows. It was always about the idea of getting serious more than the actual performance of it.

7:24 pm - 12.19.02
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