soapboxdiner

The Story of One Very Angry Woman

I recieved the best email tonight. Such obsurdity has never been seen on this earth, I can assure you. For the faint of heart out there, be warned: There is much anger and resentment present in this email, but don't we all love a little blood-letting every once in awhile? Especially when comingled with laughable chest-swelling? Can you think of a better form of entertainment? I say, if crucifixion and gladiatorial slaughter were good enough for the noble Romans, they are certainly good enough for this lowly and unassuming girl.

But first, the story as seen by this observer's eyes. True, the story may be slightly less than completely objective because after all, I am a participant as well as the narrator. Nevertheless, I will do my best to refrain from full-scale falsification. After all, as you will see, we all can only aspire to what we are created as: human.

Right, so once upon a time your humble narrator read in the paper that there was to be a concert. She thought the concert sounded interesting, and so she invited three local internet acquaintances. One, by the way, she had previously met on several occasions to be described and discussed later. We shall call her acquaintance X.

At this point, the narrator only knew of four possible attendees: herself, Acq. X, and two other invitees, whom we will lovingly call Acq. Y and Acq. Z. This, not to diminish their personages but more simply to maintain a continuity in thought.

When called and emailed regarding the event, Acq. X responded thusly:

(My husband) and I haven't really talked about it, so I don't know if he's interested (in attending the event). Now that I think of it, probably not, since we have just been invited to a killer Hallowe'en party that night, so he and (my child) will probably go to that instead.

I'm in, though. Definitely. My only concern is that, with everyone buying different tickets, we'll be seated all over the place, right?
xoxoxo
Acq. X

And Acq. X was right to question this. And just as rightly so, the narrator responded.

(Acq.s Y and Z) have already gotten their tickets and have forwarded their seating (arrangements to me). I can buy our tickets tonight, and you can get me back when we meet up? Hopefully we will all be sitting near each other.

This is a social nicety I call prompt and considerate response. I'm a sweety that way. I believe it gave the recipient opportunity to gracefully bow out if she chose?

As you have seen, Acq. Y and Z shared with the troupe in typical fashion a quaint little practice called ACCURATE AND TIMELY COMMUNICATION, which naturally followed an affirmative RSVP. Thusly, all parties were privy to their intentions. Fancy that.

Onward ho into the story, we all felt quite comfortable that we were attending. But as you will see, the comfort level may not have been rightly seated. So right. Three RSVPs, all affirmative. And so, we move to logistics. How shall we transport our troupe to this concert? Our narrator suggested perhaps a lovely carpool with Acq. X? Yes, Acq. X thought the idea of carpool was splendid. Because of this, your narrator assumed that the issue of transportation was locked in. Why is that, you ask? Because she takes people at their word; and though she is often wont to read all kinds of crazy subtext into things, for some reason, she believed Acq. X's agreement to carpooling was heartfelt.

But lo! All of a sudden we see this:

I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it! Sorry, I'm a dork. I'll talk to my other girly-friends about the bar. Hopefully they will want to go, too.
Best,
(Acq. X)

What? There are now two more people coming? When did this happen? Oh, and they are in the position of decision-making for the evening? Sure, I'm always open to considering the desires of others, as what is a party that does not take into consideration the merriment of its guests. I must apologize, when I am hit with news unexpectedly due to what? That's right NONCOMMUNICATION, I can tend to become flummixed. It's a natural (albeit base) reaction I will work on. After all, I'm only human. However, one would think that if Acq. X were more affable to the idea of sharing the evening with others, she would have politely backed out of her RSVP given to the narrator. Thusly, a person more interested in enjoying a lovely evening out might make use of the spare ticket, which at this point had only seen the narrator's hands or wallet. As a matter of fact, when the two other attendees were first mentioned by Acq. X., the narrator called to suggest that very thing. "Go, enjoy your friends. I will give the ticket to another friend I've been threatening to socialize with for ages." However, Acq. X made quite a number of assurances to the effect that as the narrator had purchased the tickets with her very person in mind, and that the narrator had been the original inviter, Acq. X would only find it fair that she use the ticket the narrator purchased, and sit with the person who invited her.

In the interim, we attempted to discuss after-event plans. As you saw above, we had originally thought to have drinks. This, however, was not of interest to Acq. X. And so, alternate plans were attempted. As Acq. X and now her additional two friends (who were not in the original party) were not drinkers, alternate plans for coffee were suggested in accordance to the hints laid by Acq X here:

I mentioned the possibility of the bar to one of them and she said, "Have a good time, I'm not interested". So I am in favor of winging it (as the narrator suggested.)

(and later)

I'm pretty sure that neither I nor my friends will be interested in bars/clubs/drinking (I don't drink, anyway) afterward. We're more of the bad-coffee-and-breakfast-at-Minnie's-post-event sort.

As you can see, there is still a woeful lack of solid information forthcoming from Acq. X. The narrator most assuredly should have asked for something solid from Acq. X. This was her mistake, for which she will later be flogged.

Finally, the day before the event arrived. Last and final touches were made. Acq. Y and Z queried thusly:

Do you want to just meet there, or should we try to develop some kind of carpool? I don't even know how many are going--I'm bringing myself plus one.

As you can see, there is a thing called, what? Yes, you bright boys and girls out there, once again we see communication. To which was followed:

I am literally on my way out the door, but I will confab with my friends and see what they think. One of them is in (city 20 miles out of the way) and the other is in (city 10 miles out of the way), so carpooling might prove ot be logistically difficult. More later, gotta run.

Pop quiz! What do we have here? A. Lack of solid communication? B. Indecision? C. Dismissal? That's right, we have all three. After all, why break a trend.

So being as the carpool idea was still something that "might prove to be logistically difficult" for Acq. X, who has thoughtfully made herself unattainable, the rest of the party acted on what limited information they were given. What information again? Oh yes, "That might be logistically difficult. I haven't talked with my friends despite having known for two weeks of what was being discussed. I can't talk now because this is too unimportant for me to either decline or plan in advance."

And so, "logistically difficult" it is. Sorry. If you invite two people to a party you yourself are invited to, theoretically, those people are party CRASHERS. If you cannot be bothered to make accommodations with your host, your host is not under any obligation to accommodate you. Best efforts were made.

And so, Acq. X got offended.

For the record, I wasn't turning down the carpool offer, that's why I said I'd talk with my friends and *then* get back with y'all. But it looks like the decision's made, so we'll see you there no later than 7:30.

Note: What time did she say she'd meet us? There will be a quiz later.

Now I am truly upset. I've offended a person I have up until now made very reasonable attempts to facilitate. But she is offended, and this only leads to bad feelings which spoil a good time. Therefore, I called asking for forgiveness for lacking follow-through, for upsetting Acq. X or making her feel marginalized. To which she replied:

I'm not offended or upset in anyway - I'm sorry if I came across that way. I've just been stressed and sick and yesterday was not a good day for me, interpersonally speaking, so I was pretty flat, emotionally.

But all is well. My friends, as it turns out, want to go eat and play with makeup beforehand, so everything's worked out just fine.

Okay, if all is well, then all is well, right? 7:30 arrives and your narrator, along with Acq.s Y and Z, are waiting at the door. "Show's on!" the doorman calls.

"Your friend isn't here yet," worries Acq. Y.

"Go ahead in, don't miss the show. I'll wait here for her. I would hate for Acq. X and her friends to arrive and be one ticket short. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be, having to force two ticket holders to leave without seeing the show because you didn't have a ticket? I'll wait. You two go on." said I.

7:45. Okay, I don't know what's happened to them, but I don't want to miss the show because of it. I'll leave the ticket at the door. I hope they show.

Who knows when they actually showed, but show they did. This we found out after dismissal, when we were exiting the building and saw them doing the same.

"Oh, you did make it! I'm so glad. you got your ticket okay? I was worried you would get here and not find it."

"Oh yes, we thought the show was at 8:00. What? Did you not just yesterday say that you'd be here no later than 7:30? Riggghht. That dinner and makeup thing must have clouded your memory. Thanks for leaving the ticket for me. Where were you?"

"Oh, I think I was at my assigned seat, but it was dark because the show had started and the attendant only waved noncommittally in the general direction I was to take. I found two open seats and said, 'These must be them!' and sat down. Anyway, we thought we'd lost you and were heading to the bar. I know you aren't up for that, so we'd love you to join us for coffee. I looked a cafe up, perhaps we could all go there?"

"No, I don't think so," said Acq. X, "let's go to this other place for decadent desserts instead."

Okay. Yes, yes and yes from the narrator and Acq.s Y and Z. The other two votes were waiting at the stage door looking to meet the comedian.

"Okay, well I don't want to hold you up from your friends, Acq. X. Go and groupify. We'll meet you at the cafe you suggested."

An hour later, Acq. X and Co. still had not arrived. The rest of us finally just ordered, ate, and departed. The next day, Acq. Z wrote to Acq. X to inform her she had bad manners, and offered several suggestions on how she might later wish to correct her etiquette.

I replied to this, thanked Acq. Y and Z for their company and apologized for trying to accommodate a person uninterested in our company, and then reiterated to Acq. X my request for ticket price reimbursement. I assured her that the loss of the evening was most assuredly her own.

The End.

Or is it? Oh no, we're just getting to the good part - the aforementioned email. Remember that? Yes, let us at long last read this email. Now this is the really humorous part. Just read on, and take part in the joy. But don't you worry, your narrator's job is not done. We will dissect this literary masterpiece together. Be sure to look for your narrator's comments in bold.

I find it odd that ANY of you would have the nerve to berate me for my manners in such a public way. As if such a thing were even acceptable in any conceivable etiquette! You have a problem with something? Then be a grown-up and TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. Because as we have all seen, COMMUNICATION is the writer's strong suit. How dare you presumptuous strangers - hello, (Acq. Y and Z)! - jump to conclusions about why specific events occurred! Where do you get off? Perhaps you should act like thoughtful adults and ASK ME why I was late, or ASK ME why I didn't show up for coffee, instead of just assuming that I lack some fundamental grace and manners that you seem to think you have in abundance. Perhaps, but you've made it fairly clear at this point. Remember, dinner and makeup? I mean, really, I can't imagine anything more rude than that. All of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Oh, we are. Ashamed to have wanted your company. Bad BAD us.

And let's talk about manners, shall we?(the narrator) bought my ticket WITHOUT MY CONSENT and WITHOUT INFORMING ME SHE HAD DONE SO for four days! Rich, this. As if we cannot all recall the email noted above, wherein Acq. X said, "I'm in, though. Definitely. My only concern is that, with everyone buying different tickets, we'll be seated all over the place, right?" and my reply saying I was buying the tickets that evening. Shame on you, Acq. X, for lying so transparently. I'd credited you to be quicker on your feet than this. I told her very clearly that I had to talk to my friends and to (my husband), yet she bought the ticket anyway, forcing me to look like a flake in front of my (yes, real) friends when I explained that someone else has made massive presumptions and bought a ticket for me, so I couldn't sit with them even though I had invited them. And who invited you, dear Acq. X? Don't martyr yourself, I would have happily invited someone else had you not felt guilty and stayed true to our original plans. You think that wasn't rude of (the narrator) to put me in such a position? Because I had the adacity to invite her first, one wonders? It was damned rude.

It was also rude for all of you to continue making carpool plans that excluded me despite my very clearly stating that I would talk to my friends about a massive carpool and get back to y'all that afternoon. Ah, here is the crux of her problem. I'd invited someone else without consulting her, and she felt excluded. That factoid notwithstanding, we covered this one pretty clearly above, don't you agree? Come to find out that you ignored what I said and made the plans without me, leaving me no other choice but to make carpool plans with my other friends. Oh, but I called you AND emailed you to still try to carpool. And your response to that was "All is well, we will meet you there no later than 7:30." Doesn't that sound impolite to you? Doesn't that sound pretty damned rude?

As for my lateness - well, I don't know what to say about that. I was confused about what time the show started. Too many drugs in a former life? Too much pot, making short-term (that being 24 hours in human years) memory fail you? Perhaps a day planner might be in order? I hear that neurological patients find them quite useful. Is this a capital offense? It was a mistake. I can only shamefully grovel at the feet of such perfect beings that are never, ever mistaken or never, ever late. It must be nice to be so flawless, to never make mistakes, to never run behind, but the rest of us in the real adult world occasionally falter. Shit, as they say, happens, and it happened that night. Mistakes, yes. Forgiveable. But we've seen quite clearly that this was no mistake. It was a late dinner. I certainly hope it never happens to you, especially when you might later be confronted by vengeful, immature, self-absorbed, delusional children who can't conceive of anyone's point of view but their own, who leap to the worst possible conclusions when there's been no evidence of malevolence or ill will. Nope, none of that here. Not even when she lists the narrator's many faults in detail later. But there is no malevolence to be found within a stitch of her very being.

As for (the cafe I suggested) - and thanks for asking what happened, that's very mature and thoughtful. Due to the carpooling snafus for which you people were responsible, I was at the mercy of my (yes, real) friend. She hates (that cafe) and she didn't want to go there. She's a professional chef, and she knows too well what happens behind the scenes there. She recently suffered a painful and tragic bout of food poisoning? No, Acq. X pulls out all the stops for this excuse miscarriage of a much-desired pregnancy, and she's been suffering from fatigue and depression ever since. After the show, she was wiped out and she wanted to go home. Which explains why she bounced her happy ass off to the stage door all agiggle, right? Isn't that when you all ended up meeting the comedian instead of coming to the cafe you suggested? And I refuse to apologize for that - and any of you would be inhuman to ask me to do so. I suggested that we meet you guys (at the cafe) and then go somewhere else, but she was really struggling and didn't think that she could handle (the trip four blocks up the hill), followed by awkward negotiations and stiff conversation with strangers. Call me self-centered - and I know you will, girls - but I didn't think that having her drive me to (to cafe) simply to drop me off and, subsequently, making my nebulous return (home) someone else's responsibility, was a very considerate thing to do for ANYONE involved. So, yes, I chose manners - in the "lesser of two evils" way. And I see that I was right to do so - because to pain and inconvenience my friend for the likes of you would have been the biggest mistake I could have made. Truthfully, though I lobbied hard for the trip to (the cafe) so that I could honor my word, I didn't want to spend a single minute with any of you after the bullshit I went through with tickets and carpools and (the narrator) randomly sitting somewhere else in the theater. Because it was really all the narrator's fault anyway. Acq. X is blameless in all, and forever will be.

And I'll tell you what else - I don't drink caffeine and I don't eat sugar because I have a pre-diabetic condition. Which is why Acq. X suggested going to a dessert cafe for the after-party But I agreed to (the cafe) anyway, fully intending to go. NO! Don't make me go to the place I suggested! I know, that's mannerless, right? Jesus. I had politely tried to beg off hanging out with you people at all, by stating that I don't drink (see above pre-diabetic condition) and that you should go to the bar without me. But no.

I suggest you all learn some compassion, some manners, some forethought, some patience, some insight. Read my mind. You should know that a YES RSVP really means NO, you idiots. Get a clue, girls, before life whomps you with one. You are not the victims here, and you insult yourselves by acting so. It was a string of mishaps and misunderstandings - on EVERYONE'S part. So dismount the high horse, Ladies first, Acq. X because you couldn't be more wrong. You're an embarrassment. No one wronged you, no one purposely hurt you - why would you want to pretend to be victimized? I am embarrassed for you.

Accosting me out of nowhere before you have the slightest clue.... pathetic, mean, hostile, nasty, and childish. I would be so ashamed if I was you three.

And now, since you all (unjustifiably) think of me so poorly, I have nothing to lose by being impolitely honest.

(Narrator), enjoy your new friends. It would seem that you are all well-suited, and I am, frankly, relieved that I will never be hearing from you again. If you'll recall, I have never called you or invited you anywhere please note the following. It IS NOT an invitation. Repeat - NOT an invitation to her son's birthday party: (Acq. X son's) 9th birthday is right around the corner. (The husband) and I are still trying to get some semblance of plans made, but we're hoping to get a little feedback first, to make some decisions easier. If any of you are interested in attending some sort of gathering - dinner, party, what have you - let me know. -because I don't enjoy being around you. I think that your son is astonishingly poorly behaved and when all else fails, attack a child who is undeserving not to mention incapable of adequately responding? Very nice. I can wholeheartedly call you the biggest nastiest bitch I have ever met. Please, allow me get the door for you when you go to hell. and I couldn't get (my child) away from him fast enough - especially with all the toy weapons and the aggressive acting-out. It makes me sick that you smoke such a small house with your child present, and the scent of smoke that surrounds you nauseated me the few times we were together. I found you judgmental and narrow and not someone I really wanted to spend time with. I was glad, after the first time I met you, that you moved to NC, because I was off the hook then - plus I didn't have to make the decision to confront you about the quality of the shit you sold me (shit that we didn't really need but bought to help you out - and selling a cheap particleboard bookcase by telling the buyers that it's real wood is shit at its lowest.) Which all explains why you came to pick up said crap and ended up staying so long I eventually had to stop my packing and make you dinner. Oh, and for future reference, purchases are not final until money is exchanged, which didn't happen in this case until a week after you first viewed the items. But if you are so very dissatisfied, by all means, return them for a full refund.

I appreciate you letting me know about the show, but I am glad that things played out the way that they did, and that I got a chance to see all of you for what you really are before I had made the mistake of befriending you.

And (narrator), we both know that your very public demand for the money is nothing but bravado and dick-wagging Ha! she said dick-wagging! in front of your new friends. I told you yesterday that the check would be in the mail, and it is. You have no reason to assume that I wouldn't pay you. Just asking, you know, IN WRITING. I overpaid you for your crappy belongings so you could skip out of town, and I'm certainly going to pay you for the ticket that I didn't ask you to purchase. I may not have kept my word due to circumstances beyond my control, but I do not steal. And you have no reason to assume I would. Shame on you. And as for bravado - by choosing to do this in a semi-public e-mail instead of on the phone yesterday, Why would I get into words with you when I have at this point had enough of you? I said what I wanted to say, which was here is my address, please forward payment. I have no interest in your excuses when you had ample time to make your intentions on backing out known way before you eventually did. you are exposing your cowardly and adolescent nature. Why do it privately when you can make it a group affair reminiscent of high school? Classy. Coming from you?

For that matter, fuck all of you. I have never encountered such a presumptuous and nastily mannerless group of women. Yes, mistakes were made - by everyone - but the behavior you three have exhibited here is infinitely worse, more shameful, less forgivable, and grossly unacceptable when compared to my social stumbles.

Don't bother writing back. I have blocked the e-mail addresses of all three of you cretins, and your missives will go directly into the garbage. Where they belong. Because she can throw barbs, but can't take them.

Enjoy your false superiority and your victimhood. Wallow in it, regardless of how erroneous it may be. I'm guessing you don't have anything else going for you.

Good fucking riddance.

Wasn't that a hoot! Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh. I'm rolling in them. A more blatantly ill-fitting bundle of indignance and self-righteousness has never before been, and probably never will be again. It demanded publication, as such self-decieving crap deserves to be enjoyed by all.

8:30 pm - 10.28.02
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