soapboxdiner

The descent into dependence

In the fall of 1995, I went to the store for a bottle of wine, two packs of cigarettes, and a home pregnancy test. I had a semi-permanently cohabitating boyfriend who every day told me I was fat and stupid. I stayed with him because at the time, I believed him. Now I knew he was a bastard for his words. And if I'd had an ounce of care for my person, I would have dumped his sorry ass long before I eventually did. Instead I stayed with him until the EPT and subsequent trip to Planned Parenthood confirmed that I was to soon have another life to live for, nurture and raise.

And so, when the ultimatum came to either keep the man or raise the boy, I chose the child. I have only seen the father twice since that decision was made.

Inside me a change took place. For the first time in many, many years, I felt the urge and drive to become something more than what I had been. I no longer wanted to live in a manner that perpetuated distruction of my soul - the all important part of me that demands to be nurtured in order for any other part of me to thrive. My soul awoke.

I left the man and went to school, and I got a degree - alone. In time I grew and at last gave birth, and I did that alone as well. I went to work in what I'd thought at the time would be my career forever. And then it wasn't anymore.

In the summer of 1999, I got my first real and sizable single adult parent income tax return. With it, I hired a lawyer and took that man to court. No longer, I vowed, would I be dependent on his honor and good graces to help in supporting our child. I battled and won, and felt empowered to be this person living and raising a child alone.

And in 2001, I lost my way again. Too many bills, too little resources (or so I thought) and not nearly enough soundness of spirit and mind to combat all the compounding worries that hounded me. I left my job for self-employment, sold my car, sold all my possessions, and lived off a credit card. Little did I remember what it felt like to depend on another to help make the all-important ends meet.

And for a year I've waivered, become reacquainted with dependance on a thing that was not guaranteed. And today, that thing I've relied upon slipped away from me.

The man, and his money. His regular installments ceased two months ago, but systems and government being as they are, it took this long for the answer. He's quit his job and disappeared. Probably at last made good on his threats to return to Mexico, where I and the long arm of child support enforcement can no longer reach him.

And as angry and upset as I am at him, I am more so angry with myself. I had until today forgot what it meant to need the assistance of someone else, but to lack the ability to recieve it. I let my guard down. I forgot the importance of self-reliance.

I realized I cannot, as I am today, rely on the structure of support I in my mental and emotional failings, have allowed to become feeble.

And I am angry in a passive and dejected sort of way, that I did not fight harder to preserve it.

But there is a part of me, in the back of my brain, buried behind all that muck, that is screaming to fight for self-deliverance one more time. I just have to clear the muck.

4:18 pm - 10.18.02
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