soapboxdiner

Eating cake as the Bastille gets stormed

Dang if it isn't cold this morning. Cold and rainy. It would be sooo nice if the sunny part of summers here lasted longer than a couple weeks.

Last night I was talking with a friend about causes, purposes. Tell me, do people really not think about this stuff on a regular basis?

What is it with you and causes? he said.

I have just come to the point where I don't hold many things in reverant regard if they lack cause or purpose. What is the point in doing a thing if there is no greater good behind it? If that thing doesn't satisfy a deeper need or desire.

Maybe that's what it is. Desire... and satisfaction.

I don't want to go to work. The moment I walk into that place I am a ball of anxiety that finds the very act of talking difficult. I am not the verbose and talented women there that I am here. I am there to earn a check and that is all. For as long as it lasts.

I've talked about this with my mother (mistake... mistake), whom pontificates that it is better to have something you hate than nothing at all, for security's sake. Many times I have come home from work and cried out of frustration.

Do people really live like that? And why am I suddenly thinking that all makes sense?

5:58 am - 07.29.02
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