soapboxdiner

Adapt, lest ye die.

I am officially on a one-week vacation. This, after being informed for three months straight, "You've amassed the maximum allowable vacation time accrual. Please take time off. If you do not take X amount of time off within the next pay period, you will lose your accrual."

Nice -- NOT!

So, D00d and I are acquiring the keys to our very first ever apartment together tomorrow. We will be spending our week vacation moving and setting up household. I should be excited, right? D00d's excited. Me though? I'm just scared. Scared of the life change, scared of the new bills. Worried about the new one-hour-plus commute, worried about finances. Scared and worried.

In the last month since I've last updated, I've been doing a lot of thinking about such things as: What Do I Want To Do When I Grow Up? Do I want to stay in my current position where I am completely burned out? Do I want to look for another job? Will the economy allow me to easily make a move right now? Are my skills all in a niche market that's tough to make a lateral move? Will a move mean backsliding? Do I care? Do I want to be rich or do I want to be happy? Can I afford "happy"? What is "happy"? Do I want instead to go back and further my education in a new field that will be more fulfilling? What is "fulfilling"? Does that require a two-year degree, a four-year degree, or does it mean more? At 37 years of age, can I justify the debt? Will I have time to recoup the investment? Will that even lead to "happy"?

Or do I just scrap it all and go for the happy-go-lucky customer service job that's more physically active, less stress, less pay? D00d's mortgage will be paid off in a year and his mother can't live forever (long live the Queen), so one day the house will be his, free and clear. We won't have to worry so much about paying the bills -- it will just be utilities, taxes and groceries at that point. Earning a base pay at a lower wage will be feasible then -- with spare for retirement and college for the kiddo, no problem.

I have no idea what I want to do. Do I love where I'm at? I love the company, but in all this introspection, I've decided that talk is cheap, and could potentially all be hot air. I have no way of knowing for sure. They could lay my ass off tomorrow and I wouldn't have a clue beforehand. And I think that's the crux and cause of the whole internal debate. This is the first time during my employment with this company that I haven't felt confident in my security with the company. I so keenly realize my vulnerability that it paralyzes my ability to be awesome. I'm not used to being less-than-awesome.

I.cannot.deal.with.fear.and.vulnerability.

I can't. I want to, and I fake it to the best of my ability. But faced with the reality, I crumble into retardicity that only damages my reputation of awesomeness and slowly whittles away at my indispensibility -- what little of that can be counted on -- to the higher ups in the company.

Without indispensibility, nothing is guaranteed. And, apparently, I am not able to cope.

I am in danger of extinction because I cannot adapt. And that, dear Diaryland, is a very, VERY, scary thing.

5:39 pm - 07.06.10
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