soapboxdiner


Monsters in my brain



Have I ever mentioned my sister-in-law? I don't think I have. See, here's the thing with my sister-in-law. Once upon a time when she was a kid, her brothers tormented her with spiders. To this day, even the word "spider" is verboten. We are to call these creatures -- mostly harmless -- as "The Monsters".

It's cute and endearing, really.

Well, I have a "The Monster" of my own. Except it's not spiders, it's "Lack of Income Security". For many years after my lay-off with the hospital, way, WAY before I started keeping this or any other diary, our entire department was laid off. From there, this diary chronicles my struggles with obtaining and retaining a position that met my (and my household's) basic economic needs. It's highlighted my profession's weaknesses, and my own vulnerabilities in this field.

Nevermind that I am talented and extremely competent. Those little facts don't carry much weight. It's all about what a little piece of paper says, and being able to provide irrefutable proof.

I can't do that right now, and it leaves me vulnerable. It leaves me in an entry-level mentality and entry-level payscale. This does not boost confidence. In the past two weeks, I have been rocked to the core of these vulnerabilities and insecurities.

I have waivered and clung to those who surround me, and displayed ridiculous amounts of trepidation and lack of poise in my abilities to work out troubleshooting.

I have drafted a resignation letter and updated my resume. But I don't have a job lined up to fill this current job's void.

I have fretted my family and D00d with "Holy Shit! Hang on tight! Shit's about to get ugly!!!"

I have worked through sleepless nights deciding, "Well, I could take another entry-level job and continue this cycle, or I could go back to college and change careers. If I go back to college, I won't be able to afford the cost of living. Holy fuck. Shit. Damn. Hell. What the fuck?"

I have decided that waffling between these career extremes is ridiculous. There is NO sense in getting another menial job with the same insecurities. Bite the fucking bullet and get on with it, already. Make a different future.

I have applied to college, filled out Stafford loan and FAFSA applications, and begun the process of registering for entry into a full-time degree program.

And then everything changes yet again. A day goes well on the job. Everything is busy and "Holy fuck, how am I going to get everything done? I look like a dumbass to everyone looking." But yet, I make it through. I accomplish all my tasks, and I work through my issues and find solutions. Co-workers and bosses come to me and talk about future and things I know and things I want to know, and everything is suddenly OK. I have a future, and everything will be all right.

Except that nagging thought, "What about tomorrow? Will tomorrow kick my ass again and shake my confidence?"

What about my raise? What about my goals? What about my economic viability?

What about not burning bridges that seem to matter tremendously to me? What about the balance?

And then it's all up in the air again. Why put myself through all this turmoil only to yet again resolve to do nothing about it? What is the appropriate solution? What is right for ME?

I still struggle with those things. But I have learned and realized A LOT about what success does and does not look like, and where I weigh in on the scale. I have things to learn and ways to grow. That alone may be worth all this.

Or maybe it isn't.

But I suppose that if anything is to be learned, it is the value of not putting all my eggs in one basket. Maybe a small part of it is realizing that even if all my eggs are in one basket, D00d and Bro and SIL are a safety net in case of the worse-case scenario. I've never had a safety net before.

Maybe it's a wake up call that no matter how close I live to the edge on my meager income, savings and plan Bs are not an option to go without. Ever.

Lots to learn. Lots to decide. Lots of ways to grow.

But perhaps the first step is to create a plan B, go to college, even if only part time. What is the worst that can come out of preparation, right? Just hard work. But then again, I'm used to that.



5:33 pm - 02.23.10
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