soapboxdiner


Windows 7 and Near Death Experiences



Mi computadora de XP officially and quite unexpectedly crashed with the Great Blue Screen of Death on Saturday, necessitating a trip down to Best Buy for the purposes of purchasing my very own especially new Windows 7 computer.

Have you ever been to Best Buy, darlings? Awe-inspiring. Here's a synopsis:

Me: Hey, got any new computers? My old one died.

Sales: In fact, we have several new computers. 'Mere, check this shit out.

Me: Totally, dude. I'm so there! Lemme tell you what I'm looking for. I, like, do word processing and sometimes I get freaky and, like, check my bank account and Diaryland online and shit. Got anything for that?

Sales: Whoa, dude, that's totally heavy.

Me: Totally, dude. Like, whoa.

Sales: I've got the totally hottest thing ever. We've been saving it special just for you. See here, it's got some DDR3 shit and, like, 750 somethingorother processing speed, 8 GB of RAM, and a built-in N somethingorother fancy wi-fi beotch shit. If you walk out of this store without this computer, you's a sucka. This is the only shit you want.

Me: Dude, that's hot.

Sales: True, dat.

Me: Well, hook a ho up, yo. Oh, and BTW, this fly mamacita ain't down with no-mo punk ass hard drive crashin', losin' all my docs and pics and music shit. Whatchu got in external drives?

Sales: Word, shortie. Check this fly dime. We got a gazillion GB right here. This right here's the joint, mommy.

Me: Sheee-it. Who you messin' with? I thought we had a thing goin' on, and here you show up tryin' to punk me out. I ain't no crack ho Mark ass bitch. I just got 1000 songs and some docs. You better check that shit.

Sales: OK, OK. (and with a laugh of understanding) OK, then. Whatchu need?

Me: You can just squash that PAB shit right here, friend. Just give me your basic model. This ain't Mother's Day. You dig? Uncle Sam doesn't kick down no first-of-the-month 'round here.

Sales: Cool, cool. OK. Well, how about this right here. 320 GB.

Me: Solid.

Sale: Cool AND the gang. Aiight. Baby girl, just chill on the L while I go and get you the hook up.

Me: I'm right here, papi.

[waiting]

[waiting]

Me: WTF? Where's dude?

[waiting]

[waiting]

Sales: Uh-oh, baby girl. That fly shit's out of stock.

Me: Hmm. OK. Well, when's the next shipment?

Sales: Well, actually, that model's been discontinued. BUT! We got this other cool shit over here. It's still got 8 GB of RAM, N series wi-fi built in, and some other shit you only have a passing acquaintance with or understanding of.

Me: Wait, wait. I thought you said I didn't want anything except that first extra special excellent shit. Sup with that, dude?

Sales: Heh heh heh. Oh, you mean THAT? I was just kidding. You didn't need all that. This one's almost as good, only not. The processor is a little slower, but you won't even notice.

Me: Fine, whatever. Like I said, I don't game or whatever, so I don't need all the bells and whistles. I just want a system that'll keep up with updates and upgrades for the next few minutes. I don't want some weak old sissy shit.

Sales: This system will do you right. Don't even worry about it.

Me: OK then.

Sales: Lemme get a cart and you're out the door. Hang on.

[waiting]

[waiting]

Sales: Oooh, snap. Our stock for that system is all on hold. You wanna make a trip down 30 miles to our other store to pick it up there?

Me: Um, no. Not really.

Sales: [sigh] OK. Well, here's this other system we have in stock.

Me: Does it have the same specs?

Sales: Almost, but it's cheaper. The processor is slower, it has less RAM (only 6 GB), only DDR2 something, but we'll bundle it with a 23 inch flat screen monitor. And you said you wanted a new printer, so if you pick that up too, we'll kick you down a $100 discount for the package deal.

Me: Fine. OK.

Sales: OK.

Me: [waiting] [waiting]

Sales: Hi again. Hahaha. We don't have that one in stock. Wanna drive 30 miles?

Me: Fine.

Sales: Oh, and we don't have the monitor in stock either, but you can pick it up from the other store.

Me: Fine.

Me (to D00d]: He said this one still has the upgraded wi-fi still, didn't he?

D00d: Um, I think that's what he said.

Me: Feh. I totally don't remember anymore.

D00d: I'm pretty sure it does.

Me: Hmm. OK then.

[Drive, drive, drive. Paul Westerberg, yum! Who knew?]

[other store now. Waiting, waiting, waiting. OK, got it.]

HOME:
Hooking up the computer. Hooking up the computer. Open boxes, check. Remove static film protectors, check. Hook up cables. Get rid of the old shit. Plug shit in and turn it on.

Computer: somethingororther drive: No media.

Me: All right, now. What's up with this bullshit?

D00d: I don't know. Call Best Buy.

Me: Eff. [ring, ring, ring] Really?

Best Buy: Thanks for calling Best Buy, how may we assist you in making this a wonderful, hassle-free experience?

Me: Um, my new shit's not working. WTF?

Best Buy: Go into the advanced BIOS settings or whatever and tell me what boot priority says.

Me: It says blah, blah, blah.

Best Buy: Hmm. ... Hmm. OK, well, hit F10 to save and then exit.

Me: This cheap ass new keyboard only goes to F8.

Best Buy: Oh, OK. Well, just hit F10.

Me: No, sir. You maybe didn't understand me. Maybe I wasn't clear. You see, physically in every way possible, I cannot hit F10. There is no F10 key. There is only F1 through F8. There is no F10 key on this cheap, monkeyass stock keyboard.

Best Buy: Hmm. Hmm.

Me: If you can wait just a moment, I'll plug in my old keyboard which does, in fact, have an F10 key. Please hold.

Best Buy: [...]

Me: OK.

Best Buy: OK. Well, no luck with the BIOS settings. OK, then. Well, if that didn't work, maybe you can go online and check out our website and pick out a different computer?

Me: Well, I would, but you see, I DON'T HAVE AN OPERATING SYSTEM ON MY BRAND NEW COMPUTER THAT I JUST PAID *$1000 FOR!

* includes accessories and sales tax.

Best Buy: Oh. Hmm. Well, bring it in and we'll let you go online here.

Me: Can you hold for just a moment, please? My head just exploded all over everything.

Best Buy: Sure, ma'am. Take your time.

[hold, hold. Deep, cleansing breathe.]

Me: Thank you.

Best Buy: No problem, ma'am. We get that all the time.

Me: You don't say? Go figure that one.

Best Buy: Yeah. Well, anyways. Go ahead and box everything back up and bring it all back. It's either a 5 minute fix or we'll have to give you a refund.

Me: Super.

Best Buy: OK! Thanks again for your business! See you soon!

Me: Fuck off. I almost hate your whole entire eyeballs right now.

Best Buy: I know! That's what we call Best Buy service!

Me: [click] Well, D00d. That was totally the whole way un-fun.

D00d: You didn't expect it to go smoothly, did you?

Me: Here, Honey. Let me give you my very own patented version of: I am woman, see my stink eye!

D00d: Hahaha! You're funny when you're mad!

[Box, box, box. Drive, drive, drive]

Best Buy: Hi! I see you have a brand new computer. What seems to be the problem?

Me: I don't know. It's broken. Someone may just die, posthaste. Eminently, even.

Best Buy: Oh, no. That's not good. Well, let me just hook up some cables here. Aftter that, I'll hit F10.

Me: [deep breathe, deep cleansing breathe.] Self check: Everyone's still alive. O-Kay!

Best Buy: Oh, here's the problem! The cable came loose from the hard drive! Silly manufacturer!

Me: Wow. You have no idea how anti-climatic that is.

Best Buy: I know!!! LOL. ROFL! Thanks! Come again!

Me: Oh, go pop a pimple, Eddie Haskell.

Cuz I was starting to feel just a wee little bit cranky.

[drive, drive, drive]

Home:
Me: OK, well, now that that's fixed, let's hook up the internet!

D00d: Yeah! Rock on!

Me: [downloading software internet, setting up internet]

Wireless G Adapter: Thanks for setting up your super wonderful wireless. You're gonna love us! WE'RE SORRY. THIS SOFTWARE IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH WINDOWS 7. INSTALLATION TERMINATED.

D00d: WTF?

Me: You didn't expect it to go smoothly, did you?

D00d: Don't make me show you my stink eye.

Me: You don't have a stink eye, honey. Not even a little. You're so cute!!! I could just rub your tummy!!!

D00d: Fuck off. I'm a man.

Me: I know. I really truly know. You're my stud and I love you.

D00d: Harumph. Anyways, I'll just go online and see about drivers. You can go start dinner.

Me: [Oh, can I? You'll let me? Hmm, really?] OK, honey.

30 minutes later:

D00d: Hunn-ieee! How do I burn this downloaded driver to a CD?

Me: [to self: Oh, good Lord. Really? Reallyreally?] Here I come! Well, first, click here. No, here. No, honey. You have to click here. Why are you doing it like that? That doesn't work. Click here. No, goddammit, HERE. Oh, for fuck's sake. Let me do it.

And THAT was the exact moment of our very first fight.

D00d: [via very expressive LOOK:] Oh no you didn't!

Me: [via very expressive LOOK:] Yes, I did too -- AND I MEANT IT!

D00d: You wanna rethink that?

Me: Uh, I don't know. Maybe, whatever. I'm sorry I cursed at you. You apparently have it under control (well, not really, but whatever). I'll just leave you to it then.

D00d: [icy deadpan stare]

Me: OK, then. Loveyoubye!

The End.

Oh, but Windows 7? Totally rocks. LOVE IT!!!



8:24 pm - 01.11.10
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