soapboxdiner

Crux

Why am I such a warmed-over piece of passive-aggressive turd, I wonder? Really? Haven't I outgrown that whole stage in life when being a pouty bitch satisfies or pacifies all my perceived little hurts?

Apparently not.

Days and weeks and months have just been dragging into each other and all the mundane makes me restless and discontented.

I want what I want when I want it, and I'm not getting it and being patient is a bitch, babies. B-I-T-C-H.

If I were on Sesame Street setting a lovely scene, I would start by saying that one day not too long ago, D00d, M00d and I were sitting 'round ye olde denim-upholstered sectional, when M00d mentioned a weekend activity "we all were going on." No one asked me if I wanted to go. No one informed me of this familial obligation. And be assured, if either of those two actions had transpired, I would have happily acquiesced. But I wasn't asked.

Follow that by D00d's pursed lips at the my suggestion that we not invite M00d to a day at the Greek Festival. "The whole family, or just the two of us?" So during the lecture on the history and iconography of the orthodox church, which I found fascinating, the experience was diminished by M00d's constant rustling, yawning unrest.

And this weekend past, which D00d neglected to mention he was spending out of town at a re-enactment. Which is completely fine, but why not mention it earlier?

Which all leads my mind back to those early promises D00d made, "If I have to choose, know that I'll choose you."

Which, as sweet and endearing and romantic as that is, is utter and complete bullshit that has been borne out on numerous occasions.

And if there were a bouncing ball to follow, it would then lead me, my darlings, to this conclusion: Our future is not his priority, and it would appear that in D00d's mind, it is a given that I will always be available for him, waiting for the day to actualize our future together. All D00d's other activities are his priority, and I am only the constant with which he fills the voids in his schedule.

Taken for granted, third on the list. We aren't a team. No decisions are made together.

Just passing the time playing at affection like children folding down the tabs on paper doll clothes, trying on the present to see how it fits, then taking it off again when something more pressing comes up.

So I stay home instead of spending the weekend with D00d. No acrimonious words, just otherwise engaged. And he calls to tell me how he's filled his day, but has been restless without his girlfriend.

And I feel like an asshole for causing him discomfort. But then again, I am not a toy, and I don't want to fill the third spot on his list.

And honestly, whining like a needy child is not the power position I wish to wield in that conversation. It is what it is, and my choice is to accept the present or define a different future. D00d, apparently, had made his choice without consulting me.

5:52 pm - 10.17.09
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