soapboxdiner

Love lift me up

I am so incredibly tired, darlings, it's hard to think. So many times in past I've heard people say that brain work is harder than manual labor. I have to say, I agree.

It's hard to have mastered some bit of knowlege and have to repetively explain it to others. It seems just so basic. You're happy to tell people once, but having to tell a grown person something over and over ... it's hard to do that without showing frustration. Multiply that times seven grown people, on top of the 60 others who bombard you all day long with similar questions they could just as easily look up themselves, and it becomes almost overwhelmingly difficult (at least for me) to maintain a placcid and respectful facade. You just want to glare and stare and yell at a person to 1) pay attention to what you've already been told, or 2) be responsible for your own research. Honestly, if you can find an answer on Google or dictionary dot com in less time than it takes to email me and have me do if for you, you're wasting everyone's time.

So, just hard. Tiring to want to live up to everyone's expectations and be a source of knowledge and expertise when people aren't willing or adept enough to make the effort themselves.

In other news, I've been avoiding going over to D00d's the last few weekends. It gets old being a fixture in his life but a permanent guest in his home. Thankfully, he understands and is gracious about the situation. He comes up here, to me, where no one makes any other person feel like an interloper.

I'm finding more and more that I want permanence. I want to be the queen of my own castle. I love being here in this place with my brother's fabulous family, who are a blessing and who fill this house with life and laughter and joy and support and friendship, but more and more, this place is a land of self-created limbo. Day-to-day is warmth and happiness, but the future is not here, and the clock ticks steadily in my head and it resonates under my skin, telling me time is wasting. Build your own permanence. How can I, if I must wait for D00d to fulfill his obligation? It is OUR future I'm waiting to build. I cannot build a joint future alone.

So I go there, and am an intruder in someone else's past, present and would-be future. He comes here, and it is an escape from our reality and a perpetual honeymoon without substance. He understands the dichotomy, but feels honor and responsibility prohibit him from looking at other, more satisfying temporary options.

It's all enough to make a person scream just a little on the inside, and maybe want to cry. But to what purpose would that benefit? It is what it is and that is that and sooner or later, it will pass.

But sometimes, I just want my honey, my own home, and a life in which my future is being built to the specifications that WE determine, right here in the here and now.

6:38 pm - 09.03.09
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