soapboxdiner

Don't get me wrong if I split like light refracted

Hugo Chavez recently gave our fine President the book Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent by Eduardo Galeano. I know because I heard an enchanting story on the subject this morning on NPR. And not to diminish the value of the piece in any way, this clip captured me and made me say, "YES! It MUST be true!"

[...] STAMBERG: Eduardo Galeano takes his leave now. A friend is outside to give him a lift. Galeano doesn't drive, doesn't use his cell phone much and suspects his computer � all computers � drink whiskey at night when nobody's watching.

Mr. GALEANO: And that's why next day, they do some enigmatic things that nobody can understand.

Why am I moved, darlings? Because just yesterday I was marveling that after nearly a year of my computer inexplicably blocking ALL downloads, including MS security updates; after HOURS of me trying to force it; after HOURS of me reading all the hotfix topics buried deep, deep within Microsoft's Help and Support site, ALL to no avail or improvement of my sad situation, all of a sudden yesterday I get home from a weekend away and TA-EFFING-DA!!! I now have IE 8 and all the cumulative security updates installed!

Now, I know -- oh, how I know -- that these bastards have failed like 573 times. I have lost, like, seven hours of my life to trying to GET them to install, and now all of a sudden, "Oh, Oh, Oh, It's Magic?"

Amazing! How did THAT happen? The world may never know!

And so last night I was in the car rockin' to The ELO, and somehow all my wayward little random thoughts led me to ponder, "I wonder if Microsoft has entered into a Great Conspiracy with -- I don't know, maybe NASA or MIT or something. Maybe these joint Giant Evil Geniuses are trying to stealthily acclimate the US population to Artificial Intelligence by way of inexplicable computer ebbs and flows."

But THEN I thought, "No way. Like MIT REALLY cares about acclimating me. They don't even know me. In the grand master scheme of all that is, I'm just a wee little bug that doesn't even blink on the MIT radar. Why would MIT commit time and energy and MONEY on acclimating ME to the inevitable future world of AI domination? HMM?!?!?" That's right, they wouldn't.

"Well," I said to me, "maybe it isn't a large conglomeration of multi-billion dollar evil geniuses. Maybe it's just a cat. Yes, a feline. Perhaps Persian, but probably more likely just a run of the mill, good old american shorthair. I bet MIcrosoft is secretly just building cats into their operating systems. Mayhaps instead of silicon microchips, Microsoft is really fueling their processors with cats -- and little itty bitty hamsters on wheels. Or mice, OK."

'Cuz cats would totally explain the whole, "Eff you, XP owner. I know you totally want your computer to be up-to-date with all the latest updates and shit. Do I LOOK like I CARE?" And then the whole disdainful disregard thing cats do, then, "Is she looking? No, not looking. I know, let's install this shit and turn her computer off when she's not looking! That'll freak her out!!! That'll be totally effing RAD, dude!"

'Cuz cats are evil like that, and they enjoy that shit.

So me and The ELO, we're totally into this whole conspiracy thing. And I totally HAD it, so I told D00d, "I think my computer is possessed by Microsoft/MIT Kitty Evil Geniuses, honey."

He just kinda blinked at me and walked away. Rude. He clearly just isn't the master sleuth that I am. JUST LIKE MICROSOFT/MIT KITTIES WANT IN THEIR HUMAN SLAVES!

Well, Eduardo and me, we know the REAL score. Computers are drunken, possessed toys of the devil (kitties). AND WE'RE NOT FOOLED BY YOU, MIT!!!

7:35 pm - 08.24.09
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