soapboxdiner

Complicated

Why is change so hard? Funny, when I left my job at the hospital (under duress) I asked Mr. T., who had moved in and been living for practically free in my home for a year, if he would help support the household while I made the transition. He said no, and that was the moment I knew that he wasn't the man I would spend my life with.

I didn't "know" because I was asking for a free ride, I "knew" because he wasn't a team player, and he wouldn't be a person I could count on if times ever got tough or had to struggle. I "knew" I was on my own as much as I had ever been as a single, unemployed parent trying like hell to provide for my child and keep a roof over his head. And in THAT moment, whatever feelings I had for Mr. T. before that moment evaporated.

Today I sent D00d off with a kiss and a promise to head up to his house later this afternoon. I wanted to practice my lecture, but only got 1/2 way through when I changed gears and started looking online again at salary and market calculations, education programs, and FAFSA and loan applications.

Funny how time takes you back sometimes. When I told D00d that I wanted to go to school for a technical writing degree, he cheered. When I told him I was worried about finances, he shrugged. Meh, he said.

Last night as he was trying to warm me up and I was trying my best to feign not noticing, I asked him, "What is your definition of relationships?"

Because I've been struggling with feeling close to him with his pacifity and steadfast resolve when I am a constant roil of questions and discontent torqued to shoot me anywhere else but "here in mediocrity forever."

"I don't know. Partnership. If I don't do something, you get it done. If you don't do it, I do. That's a relationship. Why?"

Is that all? Maintaining the status quo? A list of Honey Do's that involves nothing as much as picking up TP and returning the library books?

Am I being selfish? Unrealistic? It makes me wonder if I am. Maybe my whole image of serious relationships, in part, being an agreement to support each other's goals in whatever way is needed is skewed to the rose. Maybe relationships are just a thing people do so they don't have to be alone in a bed at night. Perhaps all the other stuff are, indeed, things you have to work your ass off all by yourself without the comfort of feeling secure that you are supported.

And I feel a piece of our closeness slipping away. I guess now, at least, I know that is something I NEED in my partner. I can't stand being in the crowded room and feeling all alone.

On an aside ...

SDG, thank you for the note. I think you have a valid point that's well worth looking into. Did you know that successful tech writers often have a background in IT? I imagine that would make one only more valuable, hm?

But now I'm off, as I've been beckoned to go put on a happy face and march dutifully off to The North to meet up with D00dCo for dinner. He's done with his chores, so therefore I must be ready to go fulfill my function of being present and attentive to his desire for company.

That's unfair, isn't it? What can I say. I'm feeling bitchy and unreciprocated in the very most critical ways I need his calming reassurance.

2:56 pm - 07.18.09
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