soapboxdiner

Reason 365 why I will burn in hell one day.
A pragmatist's tale

You know what's funny, darlings? How much at peace I am with the decision not to move in with the 00ds. M00d called last night and shared all her self-justification with me, filled with, "What do YOU think, SBD?" but never paused her speech long enough to let me speak.

While on the phone, D00d walked in the door and eyed me warily, double-checking that I wasn't doing anything so silly as to rock the boat. And I was dutiful, because it just wasn't important enough to me to work up the lather.

I miss being the one running the domestic show, do you know? I miss my freedom to BE. Unself-conscious. Natural. At ease and peace within myself. Free from anxiety that I have to compromise my ways simply to pacify and appease mentally and emotionally weak and labile people who in the natural order of things should not have the level of influence they apparently control over the way I live my life.

Obstacles that are in my way.

Silly, I know. Aren't there always obstacles, if one can rightly term other people as such? And perhaps even just a little juvenile.

And I was ruminating tonight, Would I miss D00d if he were gone? I decided I probably wouldn't notice, except for in the lonely times when I lie awake in the middle of the night, remembering the feel of feet on ankles and fingers absently molded around the curve of my shoulder, or woven throught the strands of my hair across the pillow. I would miss him then.

In the beginning we emailed all throughout the day and talked or texted once or twice in the evenings. And there was always a message waiting for me when the moon came up, wishing me sweet dreams.

Very sweet. They always made me smile.

Now we're all settled in and I focus on work during the day. We'll maybe say hello at 3:00 or so. Our evenings apart are silent, and there hasn't been a bedtime text in eons.

And tonight as the house was shutting down for the night, SIL came down to tell me that D00d had sent her a text for my brother. Some silliness about heat rash chafing.

And I felt a momentary twinge of jealousy that he didn't text me.

Good lord.

He emailed me the other day, shortly after I told him I wouldn't be moving in. He said he understood. "I'll always choose you, SBD." Silliness for children and others still desperately cleaving to their naivet� -- though not in the least underappreciated for the simple, guileless beauty of the sentiment.

"Why did you choose SBD, D00d? Why her of all people?" queried his mother.

"Because before now, I wouldn't have chosen her. She doesn't play games with me, mother. I know where I stand with her, even if she hurts me."

Hmm. That's almost as romantic as, "C'mere, girl. You looks mighty strong. Lemme see yer teeth."

What is wrong with me tonight?

10:55 pm - 06.03.09
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