soapboxdiner

'Cise me up.

D00d emailed me yesterday to tell me he's gained 12 pounds since we've started dating. (Personally, I thought he was a little too skinny before. I likes me a big strong man, yo.)

"I need to start my jogging regimen again," says D00d.

I personally have found new muscles since we've been together, and where once I had to take THREE breaks for oxygen when walking up the hill to his house, I now can do it almost without stopping at all -- just slow down a little in the middle to catch my breath, then pick the pace back up again.

"I'll walk more with you, D00d. I bet I could find even more new muscles if we exercised more."

And he said, "Thanks, Beautiful ..."

Weird. What would possess me to suggest exercising with this man? I NEVER exercise with men -- and pointedly avoid any discussion or mention of weight, body image, smoking or alcohol with guys. I'm ashamed and embarrassed about these issues in me, and I know what the answer I'll get is. And frankly, I HATE being inadequate and showing it. Plus, some part of me still feels that the male/female dynamic too often disintegrates down to men dominating and bulldozing relationships, which shits all over women's -- and more saliently, MY -- self-esteem. Forget that, buddy.

This is how I was when we met. I DO NOT give anyone permission to criticize me. You had a choice when we met to accept me as I am or move on. There are no take backs. If you don't like it now, then your choice is to learn to accept it or move on.

I told that to D00d one (just one) time and it has never come up again. And maybe that's why I told him we could exercise together. He's safe and encouraging. And he doesn't make me feel undervalued or objectified.

7:31 am - 12.12.08
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