soapboxdiner

Just Be

Here's my question. Why are you all of a suddent saying I Love You to me? It wasn't something we discussed. It wasn't something we agreed on. It wasn't expected.

It didn't start in an intimate moment as a proclamation of emotion or intent. I wasn't given a chance to digest or reciprocate. There was no associated promise. It was just out there and then you hurried to your car and left me flabbergasted.

And the thing is, what am I supposed to do with that? What does I Love You mean to you? How much meaning do you ascribe to those words, or do you consider them just words? Is I Love You an action that you perform as a demonstration of your affection and care for my wellbeing? Is it an emotion you feel in a platonic sort of way towards your friends and family? Is it an emotion you feel in an intimate way towards a person who you confide in/with and trust and respect?

What are your plans for I Love You for the future? Why do you say those words and yet still protect your double-o-daddy separation, keeping the part of your life that we share separate from the parts of your life in which you are a father and son and friend and a person peforming all the mundane going-to-the-store, paying-the-bills, running-some-errands actions?

Is it OK that you keep these sides of your life separate, as in one does not diminish the other? Do you plan on integrating those parts of your life and allowing me into them?

Do I WANT to be in them? For that matter, do I want to integreate you in those ways into my life either?

And how can either of us say I Love You when we have only known each other three months? How much do you know about me or vice versa to have what those words represent be justifiable? Are you IN love with me, or LOVE me as a person, or LOVE the time we spend together, or LOVE the way you feel with me?

Do I love you? I have so many questions. I don't know if I do or don't. But I know what I do feel. I know you are gentle and thoughtful and generous. I know you are unselfish and open and honest. I know you share all those parts of yourself with me and I want to protect them fiercely and nurture them. I want you to tell me what makes you happy so I can give those things to you. I want to see you ecstatic in them more than I want to seek my own selfish pleasure or gain.

I know I am entirely confused by it all. A part of me has been trained to guard my own interests. Don't subjugate my goals, beliefs, or lifestyle in deference to a man's. These are the things I have learned along my way into independent womanhood. Protect Thyself.

Yet while we are not children, you and I feels so much like an innocence. It feels like all those things men and women both learn from years of being taken advantage of in ill-fitting relationships do not apply to us, because despite understanding the existance of maliciousness and selfishness, those things are foreign in our natures. It feels like all those things I am supposed to remember that weigh so heavy can finally be unshouldered, released.

Is that love? Maybe it is just the beginning.

So the question there remains, must emotions be followed by actions -- plans? Or can the emotions exist separate from plans. Do they necessarily travel along parallel and simultaneous paths, or can they just be?

9:44 am - 08.31.08
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