soapboxdiner

Like Lucky Charms, this is magically delicious

This weekend started with a trip by myself out shopping for new summer clothes. And there I was, feeling in tune with the part of me that wants to bust loose from the self-imposed "work-home-work, what the hell am I doing with my nothing-filled life and why am I not initiating a damn thing for to bring myself joy?" and feeling like a progression in self-efficacy was happening.

Why do I lay huddled under blankets watching 10 Years Younger, feeling 20 years older?

And it's the little things, really. getting up in the morning and doing a stretching routine. Take the time to coif myself in style and feel pretty and worthwhile all day like a million bucks -- even if the facade is just skin deep. So far there is no substance behind it. But damn it, when I do it, I feel good about myself, and eventually it will go deeper than the surface. Or at least that's the logic.

And so I went shopping, and it was grand.

I registered at plentyoffish.com and have been talking to lots of new people. Friday night I let myself get spontaneous and open -- called one of the guys and ended up going out. Oh, it was fun. He was funny and charming and sweet and a gentleman. We started with a drink and listened to a band, and ended the evening walking down the waterfront. We found bench in a secluded spot and talked about so many, many things. Walking back to the car, he held my hand and picked one the fair city's perfectly formed roses, and we paused here and there to spy in on amazing grottos along the boardwalk, adorned with ancient trees, perfect secluded cobbled paths with nestled back-lit fountains. It was beautiful, peaceful and laughter-filled. Back at my car, his pulled me in and gave me two very gentlemanly kisses and wished me a good night. It was lovely.

Saturday I had another date, which was not as lovely. Dinner and drinks and no conversation or spark to speak of. Though sweet and nice in his own way, the date with gentleman #2 just didn't have any chemistry at all. Walking along the Ballard streets felt painful, and when he asked if I'd like a nightcap, I just couldn't see that happening.

And so back at the car, I called a girlfriend. Come to find out that she and gentleman #1 have been chatting online for several months, and though they've never met, he has asked her on several occasions to meet up with him for coffee.

And now it just feels odd. He and I have only just started talking. Yes, it was a lovely evening, but one date does not a committment make. She has assured me that she has no romantic feelings for him, and if he and I hit it off, she would be happy for us. He has shared that they've never met, and are just chatting at this point, but it leaves me feeling like an intrusion.

What is proper etiquette here? I didn't know that they were talking, or I wouldn't have even contacted this man. Will I ever feel comfortable chatting with him now or pursuing getting to know him better, or will it forever be tainted with awkwardness?

And in the meantime, the breakup with Side Salad is weighing so, so heavy on my heart. He said he cared, but he didn't appear to know how to show that to me. He appeared to be hurt when I called it off, but damn, if someone is important to a person, don't they usually make an effort to show it? Was it a lack of caring, or an inability to show it?

I wrote him tonight, which I'm sure was a huge mistake. Nothing says crazy like a waffling would-be girlfriend-ex-girlfriend who keeps on hanging on to the hope that somehow if she pesters a guy enough, he will magically morph into the perfect boyfriend.

I guess what this all shows is an enormous void that only I can fill with things that bring meaning outside of a romantic partner. Fucking aye, how in the hell do I do that?

9:31 pm - 06.08.08
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