soapboxdiner

Just be fucking honest, for crying out loud.

Wasn't that last post just full of optimism, hope, and my very own special version of spiritual superiority? Of course it was, and that's what keeps me here.

Damn, I thought you knew?

But you know what else I'm all about? Confusion. Yes, it's true! There really is no need to doubt; anyone who's read more than two entries knows I fluctuate between being really damn secure in knowing how the world is supposed to work, and kicking myself for being a charming cross between an asshole and an idiot.

Damn, and I reiterate -- I thought you knew.

What the hell am I doing, y'all? Why do I fixate on concentrating all my energies on a relationship that isn't satisfying? Why, when I haven't seen this guy in two weeks, am I sitting at home stewing on why I got a text message that read ...

ill be waiting

... when I haven't even made plans with him? And then I stupidly reply ...

For???

And the response is ...

Oops. Hit the wrong preset message. I just wanted to say hi. Anyways, hi.

Um, preset messages are capitalized and use use punctuation. So if he really hit the wrong option, it would have read ...

I'll be waiting.

But it didn't. So calling out to all my smarties, what does that tell us? To me, it literally screams that he meant to send that to someone else, and was covering. Especially when my follow-up was ...

What are you doing?

And his response was ...

working ttyl

Really? Is that right? I don't fucking buy it, fuckstain.

Anyways, he called last night at 9:30, but I didn't answer. He texted at 9:35 and said ...

Just got home from work and wanted to chat. You must be enjoying your vacation. ttyl.

Did he leave a voice message? Did he call the home phone? Um, no x 2. Did he really, really want to get a hold of me? The magic 8-ball says ... no.

I think what it all boils down to is ... I've lost my trust in him. Cuz honestly, I'm not that crazy girl,
even if I'm making it sound like it here. I mean, if he's working, that's fine. If there are scheduling limitations, I'm willing to work with those too. But I really don't consider myself stupid or gullible. And I really think I have more to offer than this. I deserve more than this. I stated from the get-go what I was looking for, and this ain't it. But somehow I've allowed myself to be wrangled into a half-ass thing here. And I've stayed long enough to like him as a person. And now I'm all frustrated because I want him to show that he likes me, too. Very specifically, talk to me, call when you think about me. Show initiative to spend time together. And for fucking heaven's sake, don't try to cover with a lie when you tell me ...

ill be waiting

... means your finger slipped on a preset text message when clearly that's not the case.

6:58 pm - 05.22.08
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