soapboxdiner

A solitary thought

It's just not right, Graham.

You could have stayed back then. You could have asked me why. You could have told me how you felt (and apparently feel). But you didn't.

You left, Graham. You went clear back to Ireland back then, after telling me you had feelings for me. And the very next time I heard from you, you were married to someone else.

And now you are back in Ireland, separated from your wife. You say in two weeks she is bringing herself and the kids over and you will all try to make a go of there, on your home turf, instead here in the States.

So what ever would possess you to tell me the things you did last night? Why would you tell me how you think about me all the time? That you love me?

Because that is just not right. You don't tell somebody a thing like that, Graham, when you are inaccessible. When it is a sin and a taboo and just on a human level, just wrong. You don't go around contemplating cheating on your spouse. You don't tell the girl who could almost have been your spouse if one night had ended differently all those years ago before you left - you don't tell her that she still means something to you.

And so what if maybe we would have been good together? What difference does that make now?

All you have accomplished has been to make me realize all over again that I wasn't good enough (or right, or at the right time or what the fuck ever is politically correct to say these days to avoid having the confidence police jump all down your throat for supposed weakness and passive aggression). It isn't enough that I am and have been alone. Which, to be honest, I have gotten used to. I have gotten used to having to depend on myself. To lean on myself when I am down or want a shoulder or could use some friendly counsel.

But to have to come face to face with the possibility of something that could be different with a person I care about, only makes me feel acutely what is missing.

With you, I am more myself than with anyone else. I can be, because I am safe with you. And you have taken that trust and used in a moment of your own weakness and tribulation.

It isn't right to bring all this up to the surface when it will never amount to anything. I am so angry with you for this. I am so hurt and upset and all out of sorts and shaking and sad and emotionally twisted.

What does this mean for the future of a perfectly serviceable friendship? Are you going to go all gaga and make this even more uncomfortable than it already is? Or will you pretend it never happened? I don't even know which I would prefer. Because it was nice, for a minute, to hear all the sweet nothings you e-whispered in my ear.

Inside my head I am screaming fucker asshole jerk adulterer jerk fucker asshole. But you aren't. You are just a guy who misses his kids who loves his wife who never seems to get how to ease your stress and thereby only adds to it who loves you as much as you love her. You are just a guy playing make believe with an idea of something different, to forget about the confusion and pain of where you are right now.

And I don't need to be in the middle of all that.

9:00 pm - 03.01.04
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