soapboxdiner

So once there was this girl, right?

So once there was a girl who got herself knocked-up with her "party hardy" drinking/sexing buddy. He wasn't much her type, really, but he was up for the party, and that was really all she required from the man. Then one day the girl walked into the unPlanned Parenthood and came out 5 weeks pregnant.

Later that night, the girl told the man, "Hey, guess what? You're gonna be a daddy!"

He said, "*blink blink.*"

She asked, "Well?"

And he replied, "Did you pay for the Tyson fight for tonight?"

Then she said, "Huh? Did you hear what I told you?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"And did you get the fucking Tyson fight or not?"

"Um, I was kinda preoccupied. Sorry 'bout that, big guy... Don't you think me being pregnant is a little more important than whether or not I got Pay Per View?"

"Not really."

Flash forward eight years. The girl (turned woman) got off the phone with the Office of Child Support.

"Hey, wanna hear a funny story about utter stupidity?", she asked one of her favorite doctors.

"Sure", the doctor replied.

"So Daddy hasn't paid child support in, like, 1.5 years, right? Then four months ago he walked into the OCS and asks for a support modification. Our case worker says 'Fine, we can do that. What's your current address so I can send you the paperwork?' And the daddy promptly provides... a false address.

"Two months go by and Daddy returns to the OCS with the complaint, 'What the hell is WRONG with you people? I ask for a modification and you just sit on your asses and don't do it.' To which the caseworker cites, 'Um, yeah. Right. We'll be happy to do a mod. What is your address?'

"Daddy then, just as promptly, provides another bad address. This time, however, the OCS sends the woman the paperwork as well, just to "bring her into the loop of stress and stupidity", you know? So she fills out all the forms, makes the requisite gazillion copies of things like two years of 1040s and 6 months of paystubs and such. She mails them off and waits tick tock tick tock.

"So today, after what felt like at least two months of no progress reports, she calls her caseworker.

"'What's the haps on the mod, Mr. Dude?'

"'Oh, Daddy gave us a bad address. But fear not, he'll be back in a couple months to chew my ass again for not doing my job.'

"'I'm sorry to hear that. It's very typical of him, but I'm sorry you've been caught in the middle of it.'

"'Whatever. That's what I get paid for.'"

The girl at last concluded the story with, "Is he not to dumbest person you have ever heard tell of? Is that not funny that he thinks he'll get what he wants when he can't even give an accurate address to receive his paperwork?"

Then the doctor said, "The funny part is... you reproduced with him."

"Yes, that's funny, too. But I was young, you see, and stupid... But damn he looked good in his uniform!"

Raising an eyebrow, the doctor queried, "Uniform? Was he a fireman? In the military?"

"No. He was a waiter."

.

.

*blink blink*

.

.

wait for it

.

.

"BWAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!!!! Oh God. Oh my. Ahhh.... Thanks. I needed that."

And that, apparently, was the funniest part of the whole story.

6:38 pm - 11.07.03
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