soapboxdiner

Pat rocks

Because there is nothing better than a hearty chuckle when one is feeling lowly... I present to you, Pat Freestone:

September 10, 2003

By the time I got off the plane and made my way out of Burbank airport, I was practically out of my mind from the trauma of recent events. I couldn�t wait to sit down with Dr. Amy and discuss the things that are bothering me. I guess you could call them my "issues."

For one, why do airline passengers bring such ridiculously large carry-on bags, and then act surprised when there isn�t room for them? Aren�t they aware of the free baggage-check service available? "Did you really need to bring your sofa with you on the plane, ma�am?" I�ve seen Sherpas on nine-months Everest expeditions with less bulk in their knapsacks.

And here�s another thing that irks me something fierce: passengers who show up at the airport a half-hour before their scheduled departure. I think the airlines should get tough with these morons, rather than go out of their way to corral their clueless hides onto the plane.

"Aw, sorry, dude! You totally remembered to bring your walkman and totally remembered to discreetly tape your personal-consumption weed to the inside of your underwear, but you totally forgot the one to two hours we need to screen you and these other 15, 000 people. Take a seat."

"Damn, kid! You�re hella late �n� shit, so the plane just gonna straight bounce up out this mufukah without you, dog. Better call Momz and tell her your shit is delayed, for real, knowamsayin? Yo, check it out--why don�t you kick it at the MuffinStuff for a minute and then catch the nine nickel-deuce?"

"Yes, Mr. Executive, we know you had a late meeting and had trouble getting a car service during rush hour�that�s why we have all these seats here in the airport where you can sit down, relax, and wait for the next flight �cause yours is full of people who don�t want to wait around for your pinstriped ass."

And finally, why do people complain about the quality of airline food? "The chicken is so salty!" "These vegetables are like mush." "This is supposed to be lasagna?" What the cock-fucking hell is wrong with you people? You are sailing through the air in a giant metal bird! Do you have any idea how spectacularly fucking fantastic that is? You are enjoying the miracle of flight at a staggering 600 miles per hour, enabling you to traverse the entire continental United States in less than six hours, and you aren�t pleased with the hot food that is being served right in your lap?! Tell you what�next time, just drive across the country! Or better yet, have Mommie make you a trimmed-crust PB & J, YOU MISERABLY SPOILED, HIGH-FUCKING-MAINTENANCE, BLUE-BLOODED BABY-WHINING FIDGETY LITTLE COOZE-FUCK! EAT THE FUCKING SALISBURY STEAK! FUCKING EAT IT! EAT IT! AAAAAGGGGGK!

Dr. Amy and I are going to work on all that.

Pat Freestone

Now that's some funny stuff right there.

SBD

9:14 pm - 10.10.03
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