soapboxdiner

Slow Motion Train Wreck in Progress

I've had the strangest mixture of things going through my head lately. I can't tell which thought is the realistic one, and which one is the cop-out. Or if the second one isn't a cop-out at all, but the first thought is shooting for a star that will never be within my reach.

I'm at this crossroads, and I have no clue which way to go.

Sometimes I think of those people who are rather condescendingly called salt of the earth. Blue collar. Born into it and accepting of it and if not happy, at least at peace.

That's kind of me, you know. Not that secretarial work is white collar, but you kind of know what I mean, don't you? In the presence of white collar. Maybe some of it will wear off?

Hell, I don't know.

I would like some of that salt of the earth harmony.

Then there is the part of me that says I could do so much better than blue collar. Life's dreams of grandeur and all that. Rise in station. Be all that you can be, even if all you can be doesn't fit just right. Because that's what we're all supposed to do, right? Be better, get more.

Whatever.

I've had a tug-of-war over this all my life. High hopes, lack of follow-through.

You know something? Confidence is a great thing to have in people. Damn shame that it has to come from within to be worth the energy.

So, I don't know what I'll do. Wallow a bit and accept this? Get tired of the aspirations that don't fit just right? Or say, "To hell with that acceptance. I'm gonna go for it."

I just don't know which one will make me happy. And I guess that's as good a reason as any why I've been in this spot for as long as I have. I just have to figure it out.

10:49 am - 02.18.03
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